Sex and Relationships
Answers to questions about sex therapy and sexuality
Copyright (C) 1998, 1999, 2000 William F. Fitzgerald, Ph.D.
Welcome to ASK THE SEX DOC
Answer page #30
Link to the Home Page of ASK THE SEX DOC
The sexdoc met Bill and Ginny in a workshop in Washington,
D.C. in 1975 and offered them a ride to the airport (they had other plans).
Much of the sex therapy done by most cognitive- behavioral therapists is
inspired by the protocol developed by Masters and Johnson in the late '60s
called "Sensate Focus."
My girlfriend and I are both 17, and both virgins. I cannot normally command my dick into a non-erect state when I'm around her at all, yet the only two times we've tried to have sex, I'll instantly lose my boner the moment we get fully naked and reach for condoms. The first time I could not believe what was happening (last week) - and now I don't want to lock myself into the 'performance' mindset.
I'm perfectly normal when we have clothes on, but when we try to start actually fucking, I suddenly go limp. Oral, or even just hugging her, will give me back a good erection - but still it disappears right away again if we move back into a fucking position.
So this is clearly a pyschological problem. Most likely a fear, or too great a concern for her well being. I know I should not focus on the problem...She is really great and supportive about it, and we've talked about it.. But I still feel a bit pathetic.
Thank you kindly for you help, SexDoc.
AND ALSO in today's e-mail: Hello, I'm a 17 year old male who
has just started seeing a 16 year old female. We've been going out for
nearly a month now and its clear now that sexual intercourse is just around
the corner. The problem is after viewing your site i'm pretty sure i have
psychogenic erection dysfunction from the fact that a previously dated
my first girlfriend for 9 months (we split up in late January) in which
time we tried intercourse 5 times only for my to lose my erection each
I live in the UK and don't know how to find out about/ get sex therapy in my area and don't think i'd be able to afford it even if i did.
So my question is are there any hints you can give that would assist me in maintaining my errection long enough for insertion: Positions (i have only tried when i am on to), Having my girlfriend put on the condom, What to think of to my mind of worrying about losing my errection.
Please help me, i think my last girlfriend left me in the end because of this problem and am really fond of my new girlfriend and don't want this relationship to suffer the same fate.
Thanks in advance.
A: This is difficult to deal with in an e-mail reply because your choices are A) face to face sex therapy, B) try to be more playful and approach penetration more slowly -- get naked in slow stages and have her roll the condom on with her lips, C) figure out what you are afraid of and eliminate the fear, D) keep on repeating this and get it really stuck in your head so you really develop erection dysfunction and need months of therapy with a partner, or E) stop attempting to have intercourse until you can address this properly.
Some guys overcome this by getting an erection, masturbating for a minute, putting a condom on, then masturbating to orgasm. After you do that 8-10 times it becomes a "been there, done that, ho hum nothing special here" phenomenon. Then they go through the same motions but this time, their lady, who has been kneeling over the guy, lowers her body and wraps her vagina around the guy's penis. Some guys need more gradual penetration: Tip only, then she sits up and he strokes himself. Then tip plus an inch, and she sits up and he strokes by hand. Then she takes it all the way up to the hilt and she moves her body up and down. It's a dirty job but somebody has to do it. The essence of overcoming ED at any age is to stop being performance -- goal -- driven and be process-focused. "Let's have fun and touch each other and if my erection slips in, we'll use it there. If not, we'll still have fun."
E-mail after you have trued this and remind me that
you sent this on 4/18/01.
4/17/01 Q: I know this sounds disgusting but,
I recently had sexual intercoarse with a male dog.
I am fertile and was wondering if I could become pregnant from the
animal's semen. So my question is, Can A fertile female human become
pregnant by a fertile male dog?
A: Only in science fiction. We have no accurate idea of how often dogs have intercourse or any other sexual contact with humans because people tend to lie about this. I have had many people describe having a dog lick their genitals or anus, either unsolicited (as in " ... I was masturbating while holding my legs up. My butt was sticking out past the edge of the bed and I was close to coming when all of a sudden, and much to my surprise, I felt a warm tongue on my anus. I had just gotten out of the shower so I wasn't worried that I might hurt the dog somehow. He licked several more times and I had a most violent orgasm"), or enticed (as in " ... Nobody was home when I got out of the shower and I remembered how good it felt when the dog licked my anus last week, so I got a glob of peanut butter -- I know the dog loves it because we used to give him a tablespoonful just for the fun of seeing him try to swallow it -- and went to my bedroom. I got on the edge of the bed, held my legs up, smeared the peanut butter on my anus, started masturbating, and called the dog. He came right in, sniffed, made a bee line for my butt and started licking like crazy. I masturbated and had another really great orgasm, though not as powerful as the first time. I never did it again and you are the first person I have told about this"). These are actual quotes from a patient years ago.
Eighteen wheel truck drivers with whom I have spoken have described a consistent scene of a woman in the front passenger seat, with their feet on the dashboard, wearing no panties, and with a large dog between their legs while they were holding the dog's front paws, and with the dog making rapid forward and backward motions. One told me that he once paced (drove at the same speed as) a car where the woman in the passenger seat was naked and facing backward, kneeling on a partially reclined seat, with a dog humping away. Sort of adds a new dimension to "doggy style," doesn't it?
But no, there is no way a human can get pregnant from
dog semen. Think about it. You have to know that you are absolutely
not the first woman to do this, and if pregnancy were possible, I promise
you that such an offspring would have been in circus side shows many decades
A: Many women were so beaten up emotionally about enjoying sex that the only way they can "let themselves go" as adults is think of rape or domination fantasies. That absolves them of the anticipated guilt that would result if they volitionally engaged in sex. Your choices are long-term intensive psychotherapy to attempt to associate sex with pleasure and no guilt, or to accept that that's what you need and make the fantasy OK for you.
A: This is fairly common with first time lovers. He probably is experiencing one of two things (or both). Some guys have conditioned their body to need vigorous penis touch, and the vagina, mouth, or female hand are just too gentle. The solution is for him to masturbate to the point of orgasm then to insert his penis in the vagina and have the orgasm. Each time after that, he strives to masturbate less time and insert sooner. That works for some men.
The other possibility is fear -- pregnancy, getting caught, not doing it "right," etc. The solution is to identify the source of the fear and eliminate it.
The longer this goes on the longer it will take to fix. A guy (couple) who comes to me after this has happened two or three times will often need only one or two therapy sessions. If this has gone on for months, it often takes months of weekly therapy sessions and three one-hour homeplay exercises each week. So if you don't fix this on your own, you would be better off doing everything/amything except penile-vaginal intercourse until you see a sex therapist.
A: 99% of women achieve orgasm from clitoral
stimulation. Less than 40% of women get enough clitoral stimulation
from penile-vaginal thrusting alone. The uninhibited and/or informed
women also stimulate (or have their lover stimulate) their clitoris during
intercourse. The best way for you to learn how she uniquely likes
to have her clitoris stimulated is for her to bring herself to orgasm while
you watch, taking mental notes, then the next time, do to her what she
did to herself. Some women prefer gentle touch around the clitoris;
some like gentle touch on the clitoral hood and some say they need "a jack
hammer on my clit for 30 minutes" (actual quote).
Your advice is greatly appreciated,
A: Ah, the seven-year itch consumes yet another victim! There is no chance he will feel like he did when you first met. It can't happen. You know each other too well and you cannot have the thrill of relationship novelty with each other. If he is sexually active with other women after he moves out he will likely confuse the Coolidge Effect (novelty) with passion, and he could start down the slippery slope of serial monogamy (but the duration of each successive marriage is usually briefer).
Besides crying (short-term appeal to guilt), asking him not to go (what's his motivation to comply?) or to "give you another chance" (that sounds like you made a mistake!) I strongly urge you two to see an experienced psychotherapist to help your husband get a better expectation model of how human relationships work! He might still end up separating and/or divorcing from you but both of you will have a much better grounding in why. AND, if he won't go with you to a therapist I urge you to go alone!
At the risk of sounding artificially positive about this, the silver lining in the cloud, if he decides to terminate his relationship with you, is that you learned this after only 7 years. Many women get dumped for a younger model (double entendre here) after 25 or 35 years of marriage, when the ratio of men to women makes it difficult for them to find another partner.
A: It's "forbidden" (a crime against nature), it's against the law in 11 states (sodomy), sometimes it is a virginity when they weren't the first in the front door, it's usually a tighter fit, men often don't have to "be responsible" for a woman's orgasm during anal sex, there is no performance pressure to "last" until she has an orgasm, some women ask that it be over with "as soon as you like, Dear," and many women absolutely adore it and are so appreciative, which makes many guys feel like they are especially good lovers.
Another thing, is it healthy for me to like this as well? It feels
pleasurable when I am masturbating to have the feeling in my vagina as
well as my butt. Should I take extra percautions while having anal sex
with my boyfriend?
A: Note: Many people familiar with the Sexdoc's web page know that there are two "anal sex" links on the home page. The Sexdoc answers questions for several "Experts" sites and the readers there do not (yet) know about sexdoc.com; this question came from one of them.
In nerve endings per square inch, your clitoris, nipples, anus, and labia (and his penis tip, nipples, anus, and scrotum) are richer than anywhere else on the body. Plus, because your mind is your biggest sex organ, doing something "out of the mainstream" can be eroticizing. Many people have hang-ups about stimulating "where the sun don't shine," or "where the poo comes out" while others have discovered that the combined effect of genital and anal stimulation can be much greater than the sum of the "parts." For both genders, feeling the dilation of inserting something is pleasurable, and many people report that having something to "squeeze against" when they experience the involuntary pelvic contractions of orgasm is particularly "nice." For those who experiment and find that sliding something in and out provides pleasure, some women are probably getting some g-spot stimulation and some men are probably getting prostate stimulation.
I suggest that you read the "anal sex" pages on my homepage to make sure you understand the hygiene and safety precautions. There are good reasons why there are books like "Anal Pleasure and Health" and "The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women" as well as the videotapes titled "Bend Over, Boyfriend" (how to strap on a dildo and have anal sex). So no, there is nothing "perverted" about ass play, and it no more makes him gay than it means that you are a closet male homosexual! His comfort zone to tell you what he finds pleasurable, and your cooperating with his request, speak volumes about the quality of your relationship. And for both of you to acknowledge that ass play feels good speaks volumes about your self-confidence and how secure you are in your sexuality.
4/10/01 She Writes again: Thank you so much doc!!!! You
really put my mind at ease with what I
thought might be abnormal behaviour. I think you will have allowed me to be
that much closer with my boyfriend. I'm going to look at your internet site
later today. I just wanted to say thank you again, and thank goodness for
the internet. These questions would have never been asked if I coulnd't do
it as confidentially as this. I hope you have a wonderful day!
1)If her anus is washed, is it okay to lick her anus and then lick her
A: The anal sphincters (there are two) actually are a short tube about 1/4" long and serve to separate fecal matter in the rectum from the outside world. After washing well enough (I recommend a bactericidal soap like Safeguard or Lever 2000), the external tissue of the anus is bacteria and virus free so the absence of cooties -- bugs that can make you sick -- that keeps you from getting sick will also keep the vagina from getting infected. If you don't pick up bugs, you can't pass them on. The critical step is "washing 'well enough.'" In fact, rimming, the slang term for anus licking or technically "anilingus," is extremely common and few people contract infections from it.
2)What if my tongue went in the anus a little bit?
A: That depends on whether she had fecal matter "in a little bit," and whether that fecal matter contained infectious bacteria and/or viruses.
3)If her anus is washed, is it okay to touch her anus and then touch her vagina with the same finger?
A: Same answer as number one. Why would you think a finger instead of a tongue would make a difference? And DON'T now ask about elbows, toes, or other things.
4)What if my finger went in the anus a little bit?
A: Same answer as number 2.
Please respond when you have time
Tnank you very much,
1) My girlfriend and I have been together for about seven months.
two weeks into our relationship, we have been having sex. From the time we
first had sex until about four months into the relationship, we had sex at
least once a day. Ever since then it has been steadily decreasing. Now we are
lucky if we have sex once a week. I do know where the problem lies, though.
She works a really tiring, stressful job and most of the time when she comes
home from work she just wants to watch TV and then go to sleep. I, however,
still feel this need to be intimate with her on a regular basis. What can I
2) The other problem I am having is that for about two months
girlfriend has been on this big masturbation kick. I know she does it when I
am not at home, and she also likes to do it while we are having sex. Usually
if she doesn't do it then, then she will do it right after we have sex. I
just don't understand why she feels the need to masturbate all of the time
because I almost always make her climax during sex. It really makes me
uncomfortable that she does this because I feel like I don't do a good enough
job for her and she has to make up for my slack. I want to be able to tell
her that I am uncomfortable with it, but I don't want to hurt her feelings or
take away from her enjoyment. I am beginning to think that she enjoys
masturbating more than she does having sex with me. What should I do?
A: Now this is a switch! I have received hundreds of question #2 from women about their man masturbating but this is the first question I have received from a guy with this complaint.
At 2/23/01 below in this page you will find frottage techniques that MIGHT help with question 1.
Guys masturbate when they're not having sex because
it enhances their sexuality. Women often want multiple orgasms and
only they know the exact choreography of where and how much pressure and
movement. I suggest that you think of this as a very sexual woman
who is very secure in her sexuality and who is seriously sex-positive.
The question is not whether she enjoys touching herself more than sex with
you. The problem is if the masturbation is taking away from your
sex frequency, which is what question number 1 states. If she's having
sex less often with you because she is masturbating and has no desire
to be sexual with you as frequently as you want, that's a problem that
needs to be discussed. Appeal to her feminine compassion and ask
how she would feel if the situation were reversed.
A: It was not gas. It was air sucked into her vagina then forced out. It means her pubococcygeus muscle is in great tone and that she was particularly excited.
A: This is a potential win-win or lose-lose.
It's a judgment call then you live with the results. If she was planning
to be sexual with him, I doubt that she would tell you -- unless it was
to trick you into believing that BECAUSE she was up front with you that
would "prove" that she was honestly not going to be sexual with him.
If you prohibit her from going and she rebels, you could lose the relationship.
If you forbid her to go and she doesn't go, and she subsequently wants
a reason to terminate the relationship, she can say with some justification
"I don't want to be with a man who doesn't trust me. It's insulting."
You say that you completely trust her. Clearly she wants to do this.
I think your best course is to tell her that because you love her so much
you want her to have the best in life, and because she clearly wants to
do this, to go with your blessing. Add that she needs to know that
if she is sexual with anyone besides you, no matter who they are, you would
be seriously hurt and it could diminish or terminate your relationship
with her. When she gets back you have to decide if she is acting
guilty or not. If you conclude that she was sexual with a celebrity,
thank her for letting you know her values this early in the relationship
and avoid unsafe sex with her. She might have picked up a sexually
A: Entire books have been written on this subject so what time I can spend here will be clearly insufficient to adequately address this matter. Sadomasochism usually has roots in the two arenas of excessive religiosity and fetishes. In the latter case, pain was paired with sexual pleasure and is now required for, or in some cases, enhances, sexual arousal/response. This is not to be confused with the occasional non-skin breaking bite or slap on the butt during doggy style sex. That's just added neurological stimulation.
In the case of excessive religiosity, the message was that "nice girls don't, and those who do like sex are Jezebels (wicked shameless sluts)." In this belief system, the woman must be punished actually or symbolically so that the man can justify being sexual with her. If he consorts with her without punishing her, he is joining her in her sin. But if he punishes her, he can be justified and "righteous" in his sexual arousal because, after all, what he is doing is for her "good" (right!).
We have no accurate count of fetishes and unusual sexual behavior because people lie about this all the time. There are entire sub-cultures (the "velvet underground") of people who are "into" all kinds of "different" sexual expression. An in-depth examination of the many internet sex sites yields copious data on the diversity of what eroticizes people. Money talks, and there are people paying to look at those "different" images.
Could he change if he wanted to? That's kind of like asking if you could stop getting sexually aroused by reading a romance novel. The spanking, etc., is either an enormous sexual enhancement or it is more likely essential. As you say, he cannot stay sexually aroused unless.... Is it a mental illness? No more than a rape fantasy or fantasizing that you are having sex with a movie star. Yes, it is most likely something from his childhood, because children can be erotically stimulated before they have adequate coping mechanisms to deal with the "turn on." That's why some childhood sexual contact is damaging (molest -- childhood sexual abuse) and some is not. If someone either described nudity and/or sexuality graphically, or showed a young boy pictures of nudity or sex acts, accompanied by strong messages about evil, sin, and the need for punishment (hell fire and brimstone, etc.), he could easily end up this way.
This redefines "different strokes for different folks."
A: The problem I have answering this question is that what you describe is ambiguous. Some men use "kiddie porn" for arousal, fantasy, and masturbation, and are genuinely horrified at the thought of actually touching a child sexually. Other men, pedophiles,* look at kiddie porn and use its existence to justify their erotic feelings toward children and long for the day they will actually be touching a chid. They "groom" children by winning their confidence, indulging them, and setting up a token economy or emotional obligation for the child ("I'll buy you an ice cream cone after you sit on my lap," or "We've played your game for a long time for you; now it's time you played my game for me."
So the answer you need lies in his behavior with the children. If he keeps a respectful distance, that could be ambiguous because he could be waiting for an opportune moment. But a true pedophile is not a saint and will invariably "slip" in some way to, for example, let his hand linger on a child too long, or push on the kid's buttocks instead of the swing "by mistake," or get too "personal" giving the kid a "horsey ride" on his leg. The other "problem" is that absolutely respectful dads and grandfathers sometimes get an erection if roughhousing with kids or the kid sits on his lap and squirms. Most kids have a sense of inappropriate touch, and almost universally in America describe it as an "uh-oh" or "yucky" feeling -- an unmistakable visceral response.
*Pronunciation lesson: "Pedophile" is almost universally mispronounced with the first syllable like the first syllable in the word "pedal." Say out loud "pediatrician" (children's allopathic physician [M.D.]) or "pedodontist" (children's dentist). The "ped-" part means "children" and rhymes with "peed" as in "the dog peed on the fire hydrant." Thus, a "pedophile" is a lover of children. The "ped" in pedestrian (someone on foot) and pedal (something for a foot) means "foot" so pronounced like pedal, a pedophile would be a lover of feet, or a foot fetishist.
i hope you think of this as one of the "stupid questions" but, I was
wondering if you have any tips or suggestions to make me the best female
lesbian lover from hell!!! not that i need any help.. blushes just
wondering .. just for a lil spice in our sex life...
A: Primates in general, and humans in particular, are stimulated by novelty (the "Coolidge effect" in animal husbandry). Plus, using suspense and anticipation can turbocharge any sexual relationship. Add to that that most women have been beaten up badly about taking responsibility for their sexuality and can often be immensely relieved if they are not responsible.
So you're out in public and you tell your lover something like:
"I have a new sex toy and I'm going to use it on you to see how you like it. I won't describe it because when we get back I'm going to tie you up spread eagle on the bed and touch you with it. I think you're going to have many orgasms over this one!"
Novelty exists in all kinds of places. Not just how you touch but where and with what. Anybody: e-mail to tell me the title of that movie -- was it 48 hours or 9 1/2 days where the guy blindfolds a beautiful woman and part of the action is in front of the refrigerator when he puts different foods in her mouth? 4/3/01 Dr. Fisher e-mails: the movie you were trying to think of was 9 1/2 Weeks with Mickey Rourke and Kim Basinger. It was produced in 1986.
Also, role play and play act. One guy drove his woman crazy by bringing her to several orgasms tied up and blindfolded, then said he was going to let a dog lick her. (She protested.) He made a pretense of going to the garage, made noises like a dog (panting and barking), kept saying things like "good boy, good dog," dipped a finger in a jar of peanut butter and held it under her nose while saying "Hey, boy, you want some nice peanut butter?" He then put it on her clitoris and labia while pretending to struggle to keep the dog at bay, then "pounced" on the bed and began to roughly lick the peanut butter like crazy. Needless to say, she had another orgasm.
OK -- you asked. Now (EVERYBODY) try something inventive and e-mail what you did and what happened.
A: She needs a pelvic exam by an OB-GYN as soon as possible. It should NOT hurt.
Lesbians do not experience pain because they are lesbian, and some like to strap on a dildo and fuck their girlfriend. Until she has had a lesbian experience she will not know if she is gay or bi or straight.
A: Like all fetishistic eroticization the root is a crossed wire -- a paired association -- between some sight, sound, touch, or fantasy, and sexual feelings. It's more obvious with enema and rubber fetishists and less obvious in body part (nose, feet), body type (thin or fat), or behavior (as in pseudonecrophilia).
So I speculate that when you were a wee tyke with age appropriate immature coping mechanisms and comprehension, you saw a fat lady (at the circus?) and had a sexual feeling at the same time and the association was made.
A: The only dangers are over-dilating the anus (some people routinely use a 1 1/2" diameter butt plug and some accept a fist), introducing anything that irritates the bowel lining, such as alcohol or chemicals, dramatically changing the salinity -- very salty water held in the rectum causes water to pass by osmosis into the rectum and can dehydrate the host -- and puncturing or rupturing the bowel by a sharp instrument or too much pressure.
The gentle stimulation you describe is not dangerous. I would quibble with you, however, about the assertion that such anal play is not sex. If you were married, do you think doing that with another woman would be OK with your wife? Are you trying to pull a "Clinton defense" here?
Two questions which are somewhat related. The first:
I'm a 29 year old male and for as long as I can
remember I've always enjoyed wearing and using diapers
for their intended purpose. I know infantalists
generally fall into one of two categories (or both)
those being adult babies and diaper lovers. I'm the
latter. What causes such a fetish? I've never been
abused sexually or otherwise and had a rather "normal"
upbringing. From what I can gather this is a fairly
harmless behavior so long as it doesn't interfere with
my daily routine (and it doesn't). I also understand
that it is EXTREMELY difficult to break a such a
fetish behavior. I am worried about what may happen if
I'm put in a situation where I can no longer indulge
myself, for example if I were to move in with my
girlfriend (yes I could tell her but the thought of
doing so absolutely terrifies me). Do you have any
advice? Also, have any studies been done to find out
how common infantalism is among the general
population? There's certainly no shortage of websites
out there dealing with the subject.
Second question: As I mentioned earlier I'm a 29yo
male. My girlfriend is 26yo and we've been together
for about 2.5 years. We have a healthy sex life and
although I wouldn't say we're "kinky" we enjoy trying
many different positions as well as giving and
receiving oral sex. I'm very interested in watersports
and would like to participate in ws activities as part
of love-making with my girlfriend. Again, I'm very
apprehensive about telling her as I don't want to make
her feel uncomfortable if she doesn't like the idea (
"honey, would you mind wetting your pants while
sitting on my lap" is quite a statement ). Do you have
any suggestions for how I can approach her and ask her
to participate in watersports with me without
"freaking her out"? As with the previous question I'm
also curious about what percentage of the population
participates in watersports?
A: NO ONE knows how common these are because most people lie for fear of being thought of as kinky. The proportion of web pages does not reflect the number of people who actually do it but rather that people are fascinated by diverse expressions of sexuality. Wouldn't it be especially nice if your girlfriend actually either enjoyed what you like or enjoyed your enthusiasm? If she doesn't, your options are to either suppress the activity or find a sex partner with whom you are more compatible. On Beth Tyler's web page people into enemas and looking for an enemate!
If the cherished activity was vaginal intercourse or oral or anal sex, and you determined that she "wasn't into that," what would you do? Just because it is not mainstream does not mean that you would be less frustrated if she didn't want to join you.
I suggest for any new activity on a non-committal basis opening with something like:
"You know, honey, people get bored with the same old same old, and I want to make sure we keep sex fresh and exciting. So every now and then, when either of us comes across something we haven't done before, let's discuss it and maybe try it to see if it is fun for either or both of us, OK?
I'll start. I came across a bunch of web sites on (diapers, watersports, etc.) and I'm not sure what people see in it but why don't we try it ..."
A: Yes, and you can get pregnant if you have most of your hymen. Women have become pregnant by getting the fluid that comes out of a penis in their vagina. The most common way this happens is if the man ejaculates while stimulating the clitoris and labia with the tip of his penis, but it also happens when a woman uses her dominant hand to give a guy a hand job, then gets semen all over it, then is so sexually excited that she pleasures herself with that semen-covered dominant hand and stimulating her labia, pushes semen up into her vagina. The sperm, being the swimmers that they are, go in search of the egg. Some find it.
The first is a general question about the success of
"herbal" medicines as a solution for PE. I've
seen various advertisements for herbal drugs (usually
@ $30 a bottle) that claim to solve this problem.
Underatandably, I;m a little warry, but I was
wondering if you had an opinion (either for or
against) such medications.
Ok-the second dilemma. My situation is as follows; I'm
a 21 yr old male, have had three sexual partners, and
have been with my current partner for over three
years. We have been sexually active for the duration.
As far as my PE problem goes,it has existed since I've
first become sexually active at age 17. I have tried
many of the methods (start/stop, pinch, scrotum pull)
that you suggest, but they really don't help. I can
stop myself from coming at the moment, but as soon as
I begin to thrust again, or sometimes even move inside
the vagina, i am on the brink on coming again. I
usually come within either a minute...or if its a
"long session" it usually lasts up to three or four
minutes.One thing that seems to help sometimes is if I
am intoxicated.The longer sessions I've had have been
in this state. I don't know if it is just relaxing
me, or if the alcohol somehow desensitizes my penis. I
find myself always preoccupied with coming too fast
when I'm having sex, and I really don't know how to
get it of my mind! Sometimes i feel their might be
something wrong with me physically, rather than
mentally. i'm just not sure! I've also tried
desensitizing creams like "man-delay" and "maintain"
but neither has helped out in any significant way.
This really bothers me because I'm in my sexual prime,
and I've had this condition ever since i've become
sexually active at age 17! I hope I didn't ramble too
much, but any advice you could give me would be worth
its weight in gold!
I sincerly thank you-
A: The herbal at $30/bottle is a supreme rip off. Don't get scammed!
Alcohol does a bunch of things to "slow you down," but it is not an effective long-term solution.
The AVERAGE time between intromission and ejaculation is 90 seconds.
Worrying about whether you will or not increases the chances that you will.
It sounds to me like you wait too long to stop. Masturbate and sense the feelings of excitement, plateau, the approach of the moment of inevitability, and 1-5 seconds later the first pelvic contraction. It sounds to me like you are AT the moment of inevitability when you stop. Really focus on what the inside of your pelvis feels like and see if you can sense what it is like before the moment of inevitability. That's when you need to pause during intercourse.
Some men with PE respond well to low doses of Prozac.
A: The critical question is whether you go limp when you masturbate if you are giving yourself non-stop stimulation or if you pause and then it goes limp. If continuous stimulation keeps you hard, that is what is needed. But if you are giving yourself enough stimulation and you still go limp, tell your MD because you need some diagnostic tests (hormone assay for one).
There is a chance that it is anxiety but while that is common in young people (concerning sex, at least) when with a partner, it is quite rare during self-pleasuring.
AND don't believe ANY of the "stay hard" scams. Don't self-treat until you have a diagnosis!
A: First I must say that you need face to face therapy to better understand the psychodynamics that are operative for you as a unique person. Second, I will suggest the most common reasons for this but they might not apply to you.
Some children from divorced households internalize a profound and sometimes deeply unconscious fear of being rejected, so they become the "moving party" (terminating relationships) to stay in control. If you terminate the relationship first, the other person can't and you are "saved" the pain of rejection. Also, some children in single-parent homes do not get the role modeling of long-term intimacy between two adult loving people and hence do not have a clue of how to nurture, experience, and value it. The relationship becomes thus trivialized as shallow, and after the novelty wears off, there is insufficient value to put energy into maintaining it (and ALL relationships worth anything require maintenance energy).
Please remember that these are generalities. You deserve face to face therapy to help with this. The sooner you deal with this dysfunction the sooner your quality of life has a chance to improve.
A: There is something about being more sexually flexible that is somehow unsafe or undesirable for him. It sounds like you have exhausted your first, second, and third rounds of resolution (talk, show, and emphasize the importance). The next logical step would be assessment by a sex therapist. I doubt that you will cull the inhibition from him because as part of the "problem" you can't achieve the "solution." Much of sex therapy involves uncovering and dispelling conscious and unconscious inhibitions, and 95% of those who go through it report that they are much more sexually flexible as a result.
I am profoundly impressed by the positives in your relationship and can see why you want to stay in it!
If he won't see a sex therapist with or without you, your choices are limited and I am sure you know what they are.
A: Your question underscores the failure of sex education! After gratification or "release," the most common reasons for masturbating I have heard from patients is to help falling asleep, relief from a certain kind of cardiovascular headache (heard only from women), stress reduction (quickie sex break while cramming for finals), and regaining a sense of control. And I am POSITIVE that there are people out there who could add their reason to the list.
As I have written elsewhere on these Q/A pages, humans are powerfully motivated by novelty. While some people are disgusted by golden showers (anything related to urinating), others are incredibly turned on by them. Yes, it deviates from penile-vaginal intercourse, but then there are those who consider anything besides "making babies" deviant.
If you are free of any illness, your urine is sterile -- devoid of bacteria and viruses -- seriously unlike your rectum and vagina, both of which have their unique flora and fauna (plants and animals). Besides, if you urinate on your partner's body and the urine does not get inside his or her body, just wash it off. Standing close to someone with a cold or flu who sneezes is hundreds of times more dangerous for contracting disease, but because golden showers are related to sexuality, it is supposed to be disgusting.
That having been said, there are couples who purposely drink as much liquid as possible (water and beer make lots of urine) then get in the shower. She sits or squats and he pees on her clitoris much to her incredible enjoyment (she explains that the water [urine] force and temperature, combined with doing something "naughty" get her very close to orgasm), and he gets turned on from anything ranging from just watching her pee or by having her wet white shorts or underpants or urinating on his penis or anus. One person's disgust is another's delight. That's a corollary to "What I like is erotica. What you like is pornography."
A few hours of web surfing the explicit sex sites will
provide an indication of what turns SOME PEOPLE on. Those sites are
there to make money, and if there weren't purchasers, the images wouldn't
last long on the internet.
A: Just because SOME (absolutely not all) gay guys like the stimulation of their anal area and prostate that anal intercourse affords, DOES NOT mean that you are necessarily gay. The role reversal (active/passive) and the stimulation -- both physical and mental -- that using a strap on provides to both lovers is why this behavior is repeated. Indeed, the videotapes "Bend Over, Boyfriend" were made, and are purchased by those curious and those who want this somewhat "normalized" (see the good vibrations web site).
Wanting a real dick in your mouth and ass (but NOT in your mouth after in any ass without being disinfected) could be sexual flexibility, being what is called "bi-curious," could be a form of guy bonding, or just doubling your chances of a date on a Saturday night (Woody Allen).
If you are thoroughly satisfied by heterosexual sexuality (including anal stimulation), only you will know what you might learn from having a few homosexual experiences. Many guys have tried it just to "check it out." And, you are better off experimenting at 19 than at an older age. If you approach it as an experiment and a learning experience that might go a long way to minimizing your anticipation that you would feel bad afterwards. Why feel bad? You'd be older and wiser.
Any more good ideas for anal stimulation? Check
out "anal toys" in many web sites that sell sex toys on the internet.
Make sure that whatever goes into the rectum is 1) smooth and won't either
scratch anal or rectal tissues or puncture the rectum, 2) totally lubricated
-- you might not feel it at the time but afterward, if you don't have enough
lubrication, your anus will feel seriously sun burned! 3) literally
manageable -- meaning that it won't slip up inside and be unremovable except
by the emergency room personnel (do an internet search on "foreign rectal
objects"), and 4) not so large that it rips the anal sphincters.
Heard you on radio today 105.3 in Dallas, Texas. For some time
three years I have no sex drive. And...I don't like that. Here is the scoop.
I am 52 single bi female in the swinging lifestyle for about six years.
have had many partners both male and female. Am able to have multiple
varied orgazms. I have attended many orgies and hosted many orgies. I have
always enjoyed sex and still do the drive is just gone. I have been
maturbating since I was 4 and still do almost daily mostly because it is part
of my routine for dressing and putting on makeup.. I have been dating a
married couple for about a year now we are really good friends and we have
sex on a regular
So I went to my doctor thinking my levels were low...all the tests came
The only thing that really turns me on is the thought of having sex
That is something I have not done since I don't own a dog.
What do you think? Is it because I have been in an open lifestyle to sex?
A: My strongest hypothesis is that you are perimenopausal and with the normal fluctuations in your hormones, your brain is getting different signals, less than you received before, and thus you are not feeling as horny as you used to. Sexuality is fragile, and desire is diminished hormonally as well as psychologically in many ways, and subjectively sensed reductions in horniness and orgasm intensity can feel enormous.
Some women who started experiencing orgasms before puberty, as well as those who engage in frequent intercourse as soon as they start menstruating, experience sexual boredom starting in their mid-twenties to mid-thirties. Because this is not operative for you I think the normal changes in your hormones are accounting for it. As an experiment, ask your doctor for testosterone. If your desire kicks in big time you have confirmation.
The "sex with male dog" thoughts could contribute enough
adrenaline -- the prospect of doing the forbidden -- to put you back up
A: Because the sexdoc is not equipped to test all items, he sometimes retains an outside testing laboratory. Their evaluation of this inquiry:
March 7, 2001
Dear Dr. Fitzgerald,
Thank you for submitting your dual egg (red) product for off label evaluation. While these are designed as ben-wa balls, an ancient Chinese device alleged to provide sexual stimulation intravaginally because of the movement of the internal weights, you requested an evaluation for use as an anal/rectal stimulator.
Product experimentation yielded:
A) Insertion. Dissimilar from dildos and butt plugs which have a substantial portion of the device distant from the entry point and enabling both directionality and insertion pressure, the red egg, once sufficiently lubricated for discomfort-free passage, becomes slippery all over, and attempting to achieve a longitude axis orientation for insertion with the least dilation proved problematic. Indeed when the egg rotated seemingly on its own so that the greatest dilation would be required, that proved to be the most stable orientation for application of pressure. This can be problematic for those whose dilation comfortable maximum is the egg's minimum diameter. In addition, the string connecting the first egg to the second is serendipitously advantageous during the insertion of the first egg because the connecting string, if held, restricts the distance the first egg can travel if it slips completely out of the user's hand (saving the need to remove lint and/or whatever the slippery egg comes in contact with). This also avoids "breaking the mood" by having to retrieve the egg if it has traveled far.
Once ever so slightly past the half-way point of insertion, the strength of the anal sphincters causes the egg to shoot rapidly into the rectum, which is an asset from the standpoint of drawing its twin, to which it is connected by a string of a few inches, closer to the entrance point, should the end user (little play on words there I suppose) be desirous of also inserting the second egg.
Note: Some of the insertion problems would be ameliorated if insertion were performed by an associate.
B) Pleasuring. Insofar as (another play on words, if you will) the weight of the internal ball is insufficient to communicate sufficient force to provide intra-rectal stimulation, and consistent with the mechanics of a butt plug, namely the increase and decrease in the dilation of the anal sphincters, maximum pleasure is attained by pulling on the retrieval string as though to attempt to remove the egg, then relaxing the egress attempt to allow the egg to be retained intra-rectally.
C) Side Effects: While some might be able to simulate orgasm using central nervous system signals, this device might provide a simple, inexpensive confirmation of the involuntary pelvic contractions that are pathonomic of orgasm in both genders. Indeed, with simple tensioners and positioners, it would be quite easy to connect a graphing pen to mark the frequency, duration, and intensity of the contractions, somewhat like a seismograph. Indeed, making the device quite similar could answer the question "Did the Earth move for you, too?"
D) Additional Applications: Considering the diameter and the string connector, this would probably be an excellent anchor for the anal violin if a piece of gut or other responsive string-like material were connected to the retrieval string and the string was caused to harmonically respond to a cello or bass bow. We make no speculation regarding user preface for more rapid treble notes or less rapid bass notes.
Thank you for the opportunity to evaluate this product for off label use. Should your creativity suggest additional possibilities, please be in touch.
Dr. Timothy Smythe-Jones
Sexuality Testing Designers, Ltd.
A: Her disgust of touching herself could easily spread into her thoughts about all sex and prohibit her from experiencing orgasm. What you NEED to do is back off of the responsibility you have erroneously adopted of thinking that you can make her orgasm. She needs serious sexual attitude adjustment. Another casualty of childhood trauma, whether by sexual contact or excessive religiosity or parental attitude.
A: There are guys who just don't get enough mental and physical stimulation from vaginal sex with a regular partner (but are responsive to a new partner because of the Coolidge effect). Maybe he's just getting too used to it but gets turned on by oral sex.
She replies: I agree perhaps he is bored with
vaginal sex, yet we go periods of
months with out seeing each other.. so it isnt a matter of too much vaginal
sex.. but that for HIM personally he is more stimulated by oral... and bored
with vaginal sex in a sense that the whole act is not stimulating to him (
which is what i think you meant anyway) lol..
regardless... we still have completely mind blowing sex.. !!
thank you for replying so soon !!
A: (Chance Fisher, M.D.)
Current research does show a link between Attention Deficit Disorder and a
very high libido in certain individuals. Some studies have shown that the
same part of the brain affected by ADD also harbors the area where sexually
charged interactions take place. ADD causes hyperactivity in any areas, sex
included. You are normal in terms of sexual appetite and this disease.
First, can all women achieve female ejaculation or only certain women?
I've never experienced it but am curious to know if it's possible and if
so I would love to experience it.
Second, I am 28 years old and I feel my sex drive/libido is very high
a female my age. My former boyfriend and I had an intense sexual
relationship and he was a highly sexual person (and even I wore him out).
Right now I'm not sexually active and I find myself masturbating at least
2-3 times a day. I'm a very sensual person and very open sexually and
really enjoy sex. I switched my birth control prescription and that has
somewhat evened out my libido, but I still feel that my sex drive is
really high. Do you think this could be hormonal or am I normal? I'm just
curious and would be interested in your opinion.
A: A minority of women ejaculate and in my limited experience, it seems that there is some correlation with g-spot responsivity. That makes sense IF indeed some of the fluid that is ejaculated comes from the transurethral pad -- which is the site of the g-spot. It seems that some women rarely ejaculate from penile thrusting and/or clitoral stimulation, but more consistently ejaculate in response to g-spot stimulation, whether by fingers, vibrator, or the tip of the penis during anal intercourse. So, locate your g-spot and have a lover stimulate it while also stimulating your clitoris and see if you create a wet spot.
Some men and women are tall, some short, some women have larger permanently swollen mammary glands than others, and some like sexual release once a month, others 3-5 times a day. The way you describe it does not sound compulsive or compensatory so I infer that this is just your preferred "pace" at this time. You need to know that the majority of young men reading your question would implore me to provide your e-mail address so they could "help you" with this situation.
Considering Dr. Fisher's answer to the question above this, maybe you have ADD.
A: Unfortunately, you are rewarding his bad behavior by giving in to his childish manipulation. What might seem explosive is to inform him point blank that you will no longer respond with sex when he attempts to manipulate you with moody behavior, and that you WILL respond if he approaches you romantically.
That having been said, I urge you to experiment with frottage. When you wish not to be penetrated vaginally, lie on your side, put some unscented Albolene moisturizing makeup remover on the inside of your thighs close to your pubic hair, have him insert his penis between your thighs while he is lying on his side behind you, tell him to take as little time as he wants to achieve orgasm, and have a tissue in your hand to fondle the tip of his penis when it thrusts forward and to capture the ejaculate when he has an orgasm (to prevent a wet spot on your side of the bed). In sex therapy, 85% of men vehemently claim that that would be unsatisfactory, and a week later, 95% of them are chagrined to indicate that it was damn good and a lot better than nothing or masturbation.
Another variation is for you to lie on your tummy. He puts Albolene in the crevice of your buttocks, and he slides his penis up and down, using his body weight to increase or decrease pressure. You have to have an ironclad understanding in advance about what you two agree on if he "happens to" slide down a little "too far" and on the upslide could enter you anally. After he ejaculates and catches his breath, being a gentleman, he uses a tissue to mop up the semen on the small of your back.
These frottage techniques are an excellent way for him to have an orgasm frequently without the whole nine yards of penile-vaginal intercourse. Please try it and let me know what you (and HE) conclude.
Keep in mind that BOTH of your sexual desire frequencies are perfectly valid. The challenge is to find a way of participating in a compromise. He doesn't "get to be inside you," and you don't have to get all worked up by sex. Plus, to do this people have to break away from the myth that the only REAL sex is penile-vaginal intercourse!
A: (Chance Fisher, M.D.) There are very
very little health risks in terms of structural and tissue
damage that can occur with deep throating. Vocal components and other
structures are well protected by tissue. Remember, how many times you
swallow a chip or something hard that scratches the hell out of your throat
and no residual damage occurs.
The gag reflex prevents any major damage. The
most damage you can do is to
hit the back of her throat hard and cause the small blood vessels to break.
Nothing threatening or permanent. Red dots may appear, but go away a day or
Remember that some STD's can be transmitted by oral
sex, so make sure you
are clear and free.
Dr. Fitzgerald's comment: The purplish areas
and/or red dots are called petechiae and if you have them and go to a dentist
(who performs a soft tissue visual exam for disease anyway), he or she
would likely either infer that you gave oral sex to a male or ask you how
that happened. (Would you blush?)
Can you tell me what information is available about the possibility
contracting mad cow disease (Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy) through
swallowing the semen of an afflicted individual. This is a serious question.
Thank you for your assistance.
A: (Chance Fisher, M.D.)
First, I think it is very important that you know that there has NEVER been
a reported case of Mad Cow Disease in the United States. This is due to the
fact that the USDA requires ALL animal feeds be rendered. Rendered means
that if there are animal parts used to make the feed, such as lamb or cow
meat, tallow, bones, feathers, etc..., that it is cooked and steamed at a
very high temperature in order to kill any and all pathogens. This has been
law for almost twenty years.
Europe, in the past, has had no restrictions in regards
to rendering. So,
all these "sick" animals that were dying because of basically a virus, were
ground up and fed back to their herdmates as a feed additive.
The piron or virus that causes Mad Cow Disease attaches
to the nerve cells
in the body of animals or humans and basically attacks the nervous system
to make the individual appear crazy. Scientists and veterinarians say it is
very very unlikely to catch it through semen because there are no nerve
cells present in the fluid. You would have to actually eat the human to
catch the disease.....perhaps with a nice Chianti wine. I know, that was
A: (Chance Fisher, M.D.) All people are
different in terms of sensitivity. Your fingertips are your
most sensitive part of your body followed by the clitoris. Sometimes an
excess presence of Estrogen will cause sensitivity, but that is rare.
Some people take a while to warm up. During this
warming up or foreplay
stage, blood is engorging in the genitals and flowing at a higher rate
through the body. If foreplay is lengthy and blood pools for long periods
with out sexual release, it causes hypersensitivity. So bam, when you go
Some women with this problem report that if they apply
gels that produce a
heating effect ( Motion Lotion or Heat) to the genitals, it causes a
different sensation and helps delay orgasm because the clitoris and genitals
are experiencing a different sensation. You may also try using ice.
I have been told that if I break the hymen myself the sex will hurt
less. How do I do that? I know that sounds stupid. I tried to insert a
finger into my vagina but I couldn't. Why wont it go in? Is it because of
the hymen? I was too scared to push incase it hurt me or I started to
bleed and then couldn't stop the bleeding. Is there something wrong with
Also when I touch my clitoris I don't feel anything? I read that it
supposed to stimulate a woman. Is that just some women? It really does
nothing for me.
I am feeling incredibly stupid. I don't know who to ask, I hope this
question is the kind of question you answer.
A: If menstrual blood comes out you have at least some holes in your hymen. Because you try to put a finger in and it gets blocked you might have a lot of hymen and it might be thick. The best thing is to ask a doctor for a pelvic exam. If you are over the age of being a minor in your state there is no reason not to become sexually active if safe. A doctor can remove your hymen quickly and easily with minor bleeding.
If what I speculate is true, and a lover rips your hymen, it can hurt like hell, bleed for several days, and scare the hell out of you. Bad Idea! If you can get one finger (no sharp fingernails) all the way in, pull up, down, left, and right for 2 minutes each every three days until you can get two fingers in. Repeat until you can insert 3 or 4 fingers to approximate the diameter of a penis. If you CAN'T do that, see a doctor.
Yes, the clitoris is most sensitive for most women. Are you SURE you're touching just above the urethra (where the pee comes out)? If your new boyfriend has been sexually active, asking him to help you find your clitoris could be very exciting for him.
I suggest that you go to the library and learn more about human sexuality.
And read my web page!
Link to Answers #29
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