Sex and Relationships
Answers to questions about sex therapy and sexuality
Copyright (C) 1998, 1999 William F. Fitzgerald, Ph.D.
Welcome to ASK THE SEX DOC
Answer page #17
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I have taken the time to read all of your archives of advise and I would
like to say thanks to you for the service you are providing. You have found
a terrific way to help many people with your open minded, direct advise.
I know your time is at a premium so I'll try to be as concise as possible.
So....on to my dilemma.
I am in my late 30's. I have been married for almost 10 years
to the girl
of my dreams. My wife and I are very much in love and we are both good
Here's the thing. I have quite an affinity for lingerie.
I love to see my
wife wear it, I enjoy wearing it and I have used it during masturbation
since I was about ten years old. I frequently wear it under my clothes. It
feels great and it's a wild secret when I'm at work or whatever. I'm pretty
sure this qualifies as a fetish although, if I'm not mistaken, that would
mean that lingerie would have to be part of our lovemaking every time for me
to get aroused. That is not the case. My wife and I have mind blowing sex
whether lingerie is present or not. Don't get me wrong - I have no problem
labelling this as a fetish if it is one - it makes no difference to me. I
know in my heart that it's good clean fun and if it makes me happy and
doesn't hurt any one then why not. I know it has nothing to do with being
gay - I'm not. I also know that men wearing lingerie is much more common
than people realize. I think that if x-ray glasses were invented people
would likely be shocked at the number of guys walking around with satin and
lace under their suits.
My wife has seemed accepting of this "hobby" of mine. Early in our
relationship she even asked if I would make love to her while I was wearing
some very sexy lingerie of hers. It was a wild time for us both. She knows
lingerie is a big trigger for me and that I wear it to masturbate and
sometimes wear it under my clothes. Acceptance is good but that is as far
as it goes. I would like her to be more involved in this harmless turn on
with me. For instance: I would love it if she surprised me by wearing
something very sexy under her clothes and seducing me. That sounds like a
fairly cliche fantasy but I would flip out over this simple effort on her
part. Or...if she bought some lingerie for me as a gift and asked me to put
it on and make love to her. A little further out there but, hey, it's all
fun stuff. Put it this way...I have tried through talking with her and some
experimentation to find out if she has any secret fantasies. For the life
of me I can't find any. It's seems inconceivable to me that a person would
not have any sexual fantasies. It's not that she is not sexual. When we
have sex she usually has multiple orgasms and our lovemaking is very
passionate and intimate. We are both in very good condition and it usually
lasts for at least a couple of hours. It's hot sex by any standard!
What I'm concerned about is this. If I knew of a fantasy she had
explore it to it's limits to take her to the heights of sexual ecstasy. As
her lover and mate I would love nothing more than to do that for her. I'm
frustrated because she knows what turns me on to the max and she doesn't
seem to want to go there with (or for) me. I can't help but think that
either she doesn't care enough to fulfill my fantasies (which would be very
out of character for her) or isn't as accepting of this as she claims to be.
Perhaps she sees it as weird or a turn off.
Perhaps you could shed some objective light on this situation. I would
much appreciate hearing from you, Sexdoc!
All In Good Fun!
A: First, you refer to her wearing something or buying something as a little far out. It's not. It's EXTREMELY common, as you opined. Second, you say she knows what turns you on to the max, but you are disappointed by the lack of certain behaviors. Does she know what you would like her to do? As for her fantasies, I suggest reading out loud to her from the book "Women On Top" by Nancy Friday. See what gets her juices flowing. And, tell me what happens with all of this.
I would like to commend you on such your
professionalism and generosity in maintaining this
site. I do not have a question, so much as an
observation on my own sexuality which I feel compelled
to share. Perhaps there are other individuals who can
gain insight from this:
I am a 30 y/o married heterosexual male. I have been
married for monogamously 4 years to a woman who I
deeply love and care for. It has taken me until the
last two years to become more aware of, and in touch
with, my own needs and sexual desires. I think that
many men (such as myself), unfortunately, are
intensely hindered by the projection of what is
"normal" by media and peer groups to a point of sexual
reclusion. As a teenager, I recall many of my close
friendís lives seemed to be consumed with "getting
laid". I often felt alienated by this notion. I was
very interested in the opposite sex, but I was also
very shy and not, at least in my own eyes, especially
sexy or attractive. I was frightened and intimidated
by the notion of having sex with a strange girl who
was willing to have intercourse with someone she
didnít know. I had doubts about my own sexuality
because this notion of gratuitous intercourse did not
arouse me, even worse, I feared that I would not be
able to perform should such an occasion arise. This
would not only be completely humiliation, but also
would have huge negative social impact on my social
"status". As a result, I tended to completely avoid
intimate situation or advances from the opposite sex.
Do not misunderstand, like most teenagers (or men in
general) I found release in female fantasies and
masturbation, however; the real thing seemed much to
threatening. Through all the parties and
opportunities of my teenage years, I managed a few
brief girlfriends but "failed" to "score". This became
a sore point with me and I became very uneasy around
the subject of sex with even my closest friends (none
of whom were virgins). I believed myself to be
different because I couldnít have intercourse
indiscriminately. I even began to feel that the girls
who were part of my "clique" began to lose what
respect they had for me. Once into my twenties I did
have intercourse with a woman before I met my wife,
however; I found that I engaged in it more for the
holy grail, than as an emotional expression and it did
little to comfort my sexual uneasiness. When I met my
wife, I found that I was much more comfortable around
her. I discovered myself to be less inhibited with her
and much more comfortable with sex. By this time the
cliques and friends had became more distant, and much
less a part of my life. It was this absence of a peer
group which triggered profound awakening of my
sexuality. Our 2 pre-marital years were very
passionate and sexually active. After marriage ( not
so much the event, but a way to measure the passage of
time), I found my sexual appetite and desires
broadening. I purchased some sex toys for my wife as a
gift, and, even on a few occasions, had her engage me
in anal stimulation. I sensed curiosity but discomfort
with this. I think she feared that such actions
crossed a "taboo" line. As times passed we stopped
using the toys, and our sex became less creative. She
gained some weight and became less comfortable with
herself. He sexual appetite has lessened and she is
much less adventurous about sex. My sexual desires
have only broadened and grown more exotic. I am
intensely turned on by the fantasy of a
menage-a-trois, certain types of bondage, and a host
of other non-mainstream sexual situations. On some
level, I realize it is the novelty of these situations
which entices me; however, I hate thinking that I may
never experience them before I die. This places me at
a crossroads. I feel extremely sexually liberated and
at ease with my desires, but I am devoted to my wife,
and I would never go behind her back or engage in an
extramarital affair. I could never hurt her like that.
I have considered discussing my fantasies with her.
However; I fear that she will not share my exotic
notions. This would cause her to question her own
ability or willingness to satisfy me. I have many
things to think about, but I am patient and I am one
to give a lot of time to issues.
If I can be so vain as to offer a moral to my own
story, it is this: Donít be afraid of yourself!
Embrace and celebrate your sexuality, regardless of
what peers or others project onto you. If I had been
able to spend my teenage years discovering more about
who I was, rather than who I though I should be, I may
not be so eager to branch out sexually now, or to
create friction in an otherwise wonderful marriage.
Whether this makes print, or not, it felt good to type
it up. If you are inclined to add it to your page,
please feel free to take whatever editorial license
you like. I realize it is long, and will consume a lot
of space. I would be delighted to entertain any
comments you may haveÖ
A: I am publishing this e-mail more for the articulate message than for my answer.
I am tempted to start with "I could write a book about this" but the fact is that I AM writing a book of which this topic is a part.
Even if you had experienced the
usual sexual experimentation of adolescence you might be where you are!
Many people are "late bloomers" sexually because it is the very security
of marriage that allows them to think outside the box. You and your
wife need to sexually negotiate. If she is developing inhibitions
as you are becoming more disinhibited you might respond quite well to assistance
from a sex therapist. I encourage role-playing within the marriage
for the things that can be done by two people, and richly fantasizing about
the things that "require" more than two (without doing them while you are
married to each other). There are trade-offs. You can have
five three-year relationships to pursue the thrill of the chase and novelty,
but you then have no grounds to complain that you don't have a fifteenth
wedding anniversary! Life is full of choices and consequences.
About one or two weeks ago I wrote to you about
my Catholic marriage with two children and a
completely dead intimate life or sex life.
Well, the whole thing came to a conclusion. I
was writing to you because my wife was talking
like it's over and she doesn't love me anymore.
I thought maybe there's some marriage therapy
stuff on the internet I can look up.
Here's the deal. The bottom line. The marriage
was a fraud. Initially she wanted citizenship.
She got permit and right to stay fairly quickly.
Then she realized she had no skill or education
and I did. So I supported her through university.
She graduated in May. Got the job. Fell in love
with my next door neighbor. Last Saturday she
moved out with him.
That was the reason there was no passion in our
marriage. After 9 years I just now came to the
realization that it was all a fake, a fraud, a
come-on. My 5 year old tells me "they" hug and
kiss alot, so much that he has to call "time out".
She never ever hugged and kissed me. Even
before our marriage. It was always "don't touch".
When we had sex she insisted on having her clothes
on. She took her panties off and did what had to
be done. Constantly questioned "is it done yet"
several times before it was over. I would often
hear "hurry up", "why is it taking so long?".
So, the conclusion is this. I am extremely hurt but
happy. Mind fucked to the max. Yet it is all so
simple to understand. It was a marriage of convenience
for her. That was our sex problem.
Sexdoc comment: At the risk of being crude, "There's more than one way of getting fucked".
A: You are on dangerous ground here. Sexual abuse aside, you might find sex with women tremendously better than sex with men, your husband included. If you acted on the attraction and found you responded much better, are you prepared to divorce? And, if you were sexual with a woman and didn't like it, can you handle that?
Conversely, if you are lesbian, should you continue to go through life settling for second best? I have had numerous women in therapy "discover" that they were lesbian. The disruption to spouse and children is substantial, but they report that once they became sexually active with a woman they couldn't go back. Others are bisexual and can find great satisfaction with both genders.
These are value judgments you have to make.
A: Dear D,
There is nothing UNnormal about it. It is more a question of taste, compatibility, and desire to please each other. The anus is richly packed with nerves and many people find anal stimulation exquisite. Many men are threatened by enjoying it because they fear it is a message about being a latent homosexual (most often not true).
Men also often like it because it massages their prostate, which again feels absolutely fantastic to most men (it's the male clitoris). For the man doing the insertion, anal intercourse provides a totally different sensation from vaginal intercourse -- snug at the sphincter then cavernous inside.
The videotape "Bend Over, Boyfriend" provides explicit rationale, instruction, and demonstration for women as the inserter. It is available from Good Vibrations (link to them on my home page).
I infer from your question that you want ammunition to object. If that is the case, I suggest consulting a sex therapist for help with sexual negotiation.
This site is about sex and relationship education,
for the most part. I don't have time to write everything, and I have
added a few links from my home page in response to requests for descriptions
of how to give oral sex (two new links as of today, near the top of my
links). Also, I have added, near the very bottom of my home page,
a link to a HUGE collection of free erotica. I thought you might
like to know. Sexdoc
A: There are two parts to this: what to say and getting over the inhibition to say it. The latter is like public speaking, but with childhood messages that if you say a "dirty" word you might get your mouth washed out with soap (honestly, some people did it). It's an experience thing -- the more you do it the easier it becomes. Just make absolutely sure you are not overheard!
The what to say is blunt, direct, unfiltered and no
holds barred in vocabulary. Use slang terms in action sentences like:
I love it when you put your XXX in my YYY. It feels great when you
XXX when you are YYYing me. XXX me XXX me XXX me. Oh God, I'm XXXing!
Get the picture?
I wonder just how far his fantasies will go. He talks alot
about my using him and allowing other men to use him (thinking he is a
Should I be concerned?
A: So long as they are fantasies and are acted out by only you two, without involving a third + person, don't worry.
Some men get tired of the cultural expectation that they always initiate sex and the specific activity, and wish to see what it is like adopting the cultural stereotype of the female role (yes, I am globally generalizing). Dressing the part is part of the fantasy. Being "used" is a way of relinquishing responsibility for what happens while enjoying the sexual contact.
You might find it very educational to purchase a copy of the videotape "Bend Over, Boyfriend" [available from Good Vibrations (there is a link to them from my home page)]. It explores the feelings behind such a role reversal and demonstrates how you two could satisfy his yearnings while keeping the play strictly monogamous. If you try it, please tell me what you think.
If he insists on involving other people, I strongly urge you to consult with a sex therapist in person.
First, I would like to thank you for creating this site and allowing
public a place to ask questions and do research some taboo subjects. It has
been a wealth of information so far.
I am 27 and my boyfriend is 22. We have been dating for three
years. He has
recently confided that it is completely impossible for him to masturbate and
bring himself to orgasm while using his imagination. During his childhood,
pornography was readily accessible to him, and by reading through your
archived questions and answers, I have come to the conclusion that he has
conditioned his reptilian brain to rely solely on active visual stimulus to
achieve orgasm through masturbation. He has tried to fantasize about the two
of us having sex, as well a person he sees on the street or even supermodels,
but it just won't happen. Looking at pictures in Playboy or on the Internet
does not arouse him either. For him, it has to be people actively having
sex. I suppose it's a little hard for me to understand because my best
fantasies are the ones in my mind which involve the two of us. I understand
and accept that it is perfectly normal for either of us to fantasize about
other people, but I am wondering how normal it is to not be able bring
yourself to orgasm using the power of your own mind. If it is any help, I do
love him very much, and I strongly believe he loves me just as much. We have
a wonderful relationship and this does not affect his sexual performance with
me. He is always easily aroused with me in person and has never had any
problem finishing when we are together. On a rational level, I understand
that this probably a conditioned behavior and I wonder how common it is and
it is something that should be addressed and is possible to change? On a
personal level, I can't help but think that I am coming up short in some
aspect of our life although I do realize that no female, including me, can do
it for him unless she is going through the motions of sex. I would really
like to think that a fanatsy about me could turn him on. Should we be
concerned, or am I being selfish and should just write it off to his being a
product of the TV generation?
Thank you so much for your time. I apologize if this type of question
been addressed in your archives and I failed to find the answer.
A: Many women would LOVE to be in your position. A lover who doesn't fantasize about other women? Aroused only by active motion? Does that include pornographic videos? I am reminded of the adage "be careful of what you ask for because you might get it". Being able to fantasize as an erotic stimulus is indiscriminate; if he learned to do it, it would be about you AND any other woman (or activity, etc.). I suggest that you redefine your role in his life as the lover who arouses him in person (the glass is half full) rather than the lover he does not fantasize about (glass half empty).
This is not common. Most men respond with some arousal (although not necessarily an erection) to visual images. Variations on what I have heard in therapy over the years is (from a woman): "I feel inadequate and incapable of competing. He fantasizes about women whose tits are bigger, butt is smaller, and who give better head."
7/10/99 she replies: Dear SexDoc,
Thank you for such a quick response!
I must admit that I am having trouble explaining just what I mean when
"coming up short". I suppose I wonder if there may be something lacking in
my person (physically or emotionally) which would inhibit my boyfriends'
ability to create a fantasy in his mind about the two of us and get him off,
too. Yes, in the past I did feel inadequate and quite incapable of competing
with other women, but I have learned that I have no reason to fear other
women since he cannot be aroused simply by looking at them sitting still
(clothed or naked). In the flesh, he never has any problem finishing with
me. What concerns me is that by the way he describes it, it seems that no
matter how hard he tries (right hand, as well as left...) a fantasy about me
is actually a turn off, rather than a pleasure.
And yes, this is limited to pornogrhapic videos. He has always
aversion to group sex and as far as I know, is not peeping in any bedroom
windows. I am concerned a bit about the type of videos. I have never seen
anything but soft core porn, and he describes what he uses as "not friendly"
porn. He says it's the hard core fucking and getting a bit rough with each
other that does it for him. Our sex life has never been very rough and he
never really seemed to want it that way. Although, he has recently started
spanking me and wanting me to say "fuck me" to him during sex. We both agree
that it may be partly wanting to act out what he sees in the videos as well
as a boost to his ego to have what I want verbalized to him. On occasion, I
feel that saying that devalues our lovemaking and on other occasions, it is
exactly what I want! Any thoughts?
It is common to vacillate between tender, romantic sex and sudden, physical, demanding sex. It is, however, a matter of compatibility -- see if you can synchronize when he wants to hear "fuck me" with times it is exactly what you want (and communicate to him when you feel like not saying that).
One thought on his part is that a home video of the two of us may be
satisfying as a video of others. I am willing to make one for him, but am
wary because I have a feeling that it is the idea of watching others that
turns him on, and I am the turn off. For some reason, I see a big let down
coming with this idea. What do you think?
First: Unless you have absolute total trust of this guy, you are taking a BIG RISK to have a video or photographs taken. At the risk of sounding like an old fuddy duddy (do you even know what that means?) I think that it is the extremely rare 22 year old male in American society who is mature enough to forever respect your boundaries of never anyone but him seeing it. Many a woman (and man) is seriously compromised in later years by indisputable proof of being sexually liberal when younger.
Second: I think it would backfire! I agree with your "big let down" suspicion. Fantasies work because in your imagination, everything can be perfect. Since the middle 60's (I know, I'm dating myself again) I have had dozens and dozens more people say that acting it out destroyed their fantasy than those who were glad they did it. Sure, it satisfied their curiosity (consolation prize), but never again do they get eroticized by the fantasy. And I'm talking all over the map, people, from three-ways, to orgies, to dogs, to soft S&M and/or B&D. Acting out a fantasy is close to, but different from, sexual experimentation. Fantasies appeal to your imagination and you can get turned on imagining all kinds of details and/or people. The pleasure in the fantasy comes from thinking about it or playing a role. Experimentation satisfies your curiosity about something that someone else does and finds pleasurable -- like spanking or anal intercourse. That pleasure comes from actually doing it.
I do realize that I am lucky that he isn't drooling over every woman
on the street and your response has only shored that up. The "glass half
full" attitude is a positive thought which perhaps I had been overlooking. I
am thrilled that I do do it for him in person, however quickly that may be!
Again, thank you for your time. I realize you must be an extremely
and I think it's wonderful that you are willing to share your knowledge with
people in need.
Because I am fascinated by the human mind in general, and by sexuality in particular, I find that offering this web page keeps me in touch with what people don't know AND have severely limited sources to learn about certain matters. Much of what I have learned here has guided the nature of the contents of the books I am about to announce.
7/13/99 She replies again: Dear Doc,
Thanks again for all your help. I am gradually realizing that
I could have a
much worse situation. You're right, a reality check is probably in order
here. I am privileged to have the relationship that I do, and I think it was
a bit of shock to learn that this person that I think the world of could have
this rather unnerving twist to his psyche. Your replies have been extremely
helpful and comforting. Because we have had such a positive result from
corresponding with you, we have been able to be talk more openly about sex in
general. We think we would like to consult a therapist in person, in part to
help us deal with this issue and also to learn how I can orgasm more
frequently during sex. We want to be a sexually healthy as possible. Do you
have any references in the Philadelphia area?
I will be awaiting the day your books hit the stores and would love
at a signing!
Thank you again,
7/15/99 she replies to my reply: Yes, I will check out your site
concerning how to find a therapist. And in
response to an earlier message, we both decided that making a video is out
of the question. It seemed like an OK idea, but the ramifications were not
completely evident to us!
I must give you just one more word of thanks. I wrote to you hoping
reply, but honestly not expecting one. It is a wonderful thing you are doing
for people and I am including using it as research to put it all down in
writing for people with minimal access to the Internet.
Best wishes to you also,
A: Dear "Q": I'll answer your question on the condition that you reply with your age and your reaction. Deal?
This is extremely common, and I hypothesize that it is inspired by a combination of being inadvertently sexually stimulated by hands-on contact by medical personnel when you were younger, possibly fantasies of what it would feel like if you were touched in a more sexually stimulating way, the knowledge that it is OK for medical personnel to touch you on your private parts, and a reaction to the invasion of your psychological space.
There are call girls who specialize in wearing a nurse's or doctor's clothes and "examining" the patient (usually masturbating him) or administering an enema. There are sections of many XXX web sites devoted to pictures of pretend doctors and nurses doing all sorts of things. I have even seen a 5 minute video of a "complete gynecological exam" speculum and all (which you will find out about when you have your first).
"Shot in the hip"? I encourage you to steer your fantasies into more pleasure-focussed activities. How about a well-lubricated examining gloved finger in one or two orifices?
Your part of the bargain. Your age, truthfully, and your reaction.
p.s. Your name is very common on the e-mails I receive, but I respect your request.
7/9/99 She replies: (The
Sexdoc calls this a MUST READ for ALL READERS!)
Ok Doc---You asked for it !! :-) And you ain't gonna believe it but I
AM telling you the truth and the whole truth and nothing BUT the
truth--I promise. First of all let me make myself a little clearer---I
DO NOT enjoy going to the doctor for any kind of an exam--in fact--most
of the time I will not go even when I really need to--my fantasies
always involve ppl who are not of the medical profession whatsoever--I
have never acted these out--only in my mind. And all these years--I have
figured that I was the only person in the world with such thoughts. Now
lets see if I can give you a run down of my many years of life--first of
all--let me say this--I am well aware of the entire procedure that goes
with a pelvic exam-- have three children---grown children. I married
when I was 16---absolutely in love and absolutely because I wanted
to---not because I had to--I was not pregnant. I was married to the
most wonderful man in the world for 31 years---and he died of a heart
attack three years ago. We had a wonderful and happy marriage the
entire 31 years--but we were raised to believe that there was ONLY one
way of having sex--man on top--do it---get off--roll over and go to
sleep---very seldom--if ever did I climax--it was a duty--a job--a messy
job at that and I preformed because I was supposed to. During this
time--I very guiltily fantasized an it was always about "playing
doctor". This is the FIRST time I have EVER told anyone--EVER!! Two
years after my husband died--I started seeing someone and he is VERY
sexual and has many fantasies--and believe me when I tell you that I was
VERY uncomfortable with this at first--but then I found out how
wonderful sex could be when you experienced all the new and pleasurable
things that I have experienced over the past year--now there are many
things that I do and love that I would have never ever done
before---but--he has never mentioned ANYTHING to do with the doctor
thing--enemas--or anything of that sort and I would never be the first
to bring it up--although he does like to spank a bit occassionally and
to my surprise I have found that to have its own weird pleasure too. So
am I a weirdo or what?? I am 50 years old and still wanting to "play
Doctor " with someone and I would mostly want to be the patient---So
there you are Doc---Now tell me--how old are you and do you give
enemas??? LOL!! Thanks so much for your prompt reply and I hope you
will write again!! PS--Would love to have some of those XXX rated
web sites that are related to my fantasies!!
A: Another VICTIM of the myths that "The only REAL sex is penile-vaginal intercourse", that simultaneous orgasm is a desirable goal, and that if you didn't have an orgasm during intercourse you somehow failed.
This is the sexual attitude that encourages women to fake orgasm! Why is it an OK "white lie" for women to fake orgasm, but somehow catastrophic if the man doesn't ejaculate? Only 40% of women achieve orgasm from penile thrusting alone. The rest have no orgasm or have one from clitoral stimulation before, during, or after intercourse!
That having been said, two bits of advice: 1) Get checked by a Urologist just in case there is something marginal going on, and 2) stimulate yourself before and/or after vaginal insertion.
A: First: If the age of consent in your state is 18 or higher, and this comes to the attention of the authorities, Mark could be charged with several nasty crimes such as child molestation, contributing to the delinquency of a minor, aiding and abetting a crime, and probably "special circumstances" for the marijuana. Those laws are designed to protect impressionable and vulnerable people of "tender age". Your consent and willing participation is totally beside the point.
Second: I think that telling your stepsister would be a BIG mistake! Why tell her? She will be hurt that you and he did what you did. She would probably mistrust both of you. She would likely begin to assess whether he did it with anyone else in the past, and watch him more closely in the future, worrying that any ambiguities might again signal that he is engaging in sexual behavior with other women. Walk a mile in her shoes. If you were Jill, how would you react if your 17 year-old stepsister divulged that she had been sexually intimate (69 ain't going "all the way" but it is damn intimate in my book!) with the father of your child?
It is common to think alot about your pleasurable experiences, especially first-time events. But you were sexual with a man who should be physically unavailable to you. What you did was fun, thrilling, exciting, flattering (considering the age difference), and immensely pleasurable. Who you did it with was inappropriate. You can't change the past, and considering your reaction, you don't want to. But given that what you did is done, I suggest minimizing the psychological damage. When you see Mark, privately make a pact with him that neither of you will disclose it, and if one of you claims it happened, the other will deny it. Please call to his attention the legal information at the top of this reply. And when you want to experiment sexually again, make sure you do it with someone who is age appropriate and emotionally available to you. What goes around comes around, and do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
And finally, "getting pregnant with his baby and having to explain it to (your) stepsister" is a piece of cake compared with the effect that the pregnancy would have on your life!
Sexual experimentation is OK so long as it doesn't cause too much guilt, embarrass people, run the risk of contracting a sexually transmitted disease, run the risk of unwanted pregnancy, get people in trouble, or cause physical or emotional damage. Please believe me that that leaves a TON of fun things you can do! Reader reactions? Other restrictions?
A: One of you needs to stimulate your clitoris during penile-vaginal intercourse!
A: The subject line in this e-mail is "Why am I afraid"?
Because this trauma is psychologically as damaging as rape, I suggest treating it as such. Your options are to seek help -- Planned Parenthood or the County Rape Crisis Hotline would be good places to start -- or to "keep it inside". If you seek help, the time between the trauma and the time you get psychological help will largely determine how much help you need to deal effectively with this.
If you do not get help, the chances are excellent that you will consciously and unconsciously attempt to integrate and reconcile this insult and injury and that it will show up ("manifest itself") in some dysfunctional way. Having this experience and your reaction and doing nothing are the perfect ingredients for some form of misery now and in the future. As embarrassing, humiliating, and uncomfortable as it is to get help now, it will be many times more painful if left untreated. I see this all the time -- treatment and intervention immediately after trauma means speedy response to therapy and acceptable integration of the event. Delaying intervention practically guarantees that the effect of the trauma will become more and more deeply part of your self image.
Everybody: If you or someone you know experiences trauma, please do all you can to make sure that intervention is as immediate as possible.
It is "normal" ("appropriate affect") to be afraid when you are hurt and traumatized!
I am seventeen years old and have been in a steady, nonconsumated
relationship for almost 11 months now. For the first three or four months
of our relationship, we were completely nonphysical, but as time has passed,
our relationship has progressed physically. Neither of us have any
inclination toward premarital sex and have no intentions toward marriage (to
each other). Though I have been masturbating for nearly eight years and
believe that I have a very healthy libido, I have never been comfortable
with the physicalness of our relationship. I have initiated the cessation
of our physical encounters on several occassions only to find that the
quality of our relationship declines.I feel that what we have done is wrong
and, though I care for him very deeply, do not wish to repeat the same
mistakes in any subsequent relationships. I have two questions to ask of
1) Should I tell my future boyfriends just how far I've been with my
boyfriend? I believe that honesty is important in a relationship but fear
that telling any future boyfriends will raise their expectations of what I
will and will not consent to.
2) I am worried that, after having been as far as I have with my current
boyfriend, that I will not be able to resist the temptation to do the same
with future boyfriends. Can you give me any advice about staying "more
Very much sincerely,
A: This is a tough one! Morality is conforming to rules of conduct someone (or, more commonly, some organization, like a church) has declared "right" or correct. If you identify yourself to yourself as embracing a set of morals that prohibits pre-marital sexual contact, then the only way to "stay more moral" is to abstain from sexual contact, thus ignoring your body's desires and positive response.
When you initiate the cessation and find that the quality of your relationship declines, is that because there is less (sexual) pleasure, or that you both are sad that you are not engaging in something that felt really good? I encourage you to search your soul to answer why you feel like you have done something wrong. Back when religious leaders were the only literate scholars, and the uneducated masses needed rules to prevent social chaos, and every religion wanted the greatest number of followers, it made sense to prohibit masturbation and extra-marital sex. Since then, the printing press was invented and women were EVEN "given" the right to vote. So long as you do not get any sexually transmitted disease (by the way, overpopulation is a sexually transmitted disease) or get pregnant, sexual experimentation is the best way to determine your tastes and explore the physical side of a monogamous relationship.
In response to your questions: If you learned from a girlfriend that your current boyfriend -- at some point in the future when you and he are no longer a couple -- told her "just how far" you and he had been, how would you feel? If a guy tells, it's "bragging" and indiscreet -- people say that he "kisses and tells". I agree that telling future boyfriends will either raise their expectations or make them feel devalued because you won't repeat the experience with them. Honesty in relationships does not take precedence over information about private acts with a prior boyfriend. Experimentation means that you liked it and will do it again, or you didn't like it and it was a "learning experience". Just because you did it once (or more ...) doesn't mean that you have to do it again or consent to do it again!
Please define yourself as a person responsible for your own behavior and able to make decisions, set limits, and stick to them. So where does "unable to resist the temptation" come in? "The devil made me do it"? If it felt good, does not run the risk of contracting a sexually transmitted disease or getting pregnant, or diminish your self-worth or endanger your reputation, and you are private about it and it is not illegal (such as with someone over 17 or the age of consent in your state), why classify it as "bad"? And if you continue to feel that what you did was wrong, and you wish to feel OK and not doing wrong, stop doing it.
DEAR READER: Note that we don't know what the specific behavior is -- and we don't need to. If SHE feels it is wrong, that is her belief and value system.
I'm an 18-yr old male who is sexually active. When I'm
with a girl (my
ages, from 15-19), and I'm fingering her vagina, when I push a finger in as
far as it can go, with most girls I feel a slight bump on the top wall of
their vagina, extending downward. Some girls say it feels good when
stimulated, some go nuts, others say it makes them feel like they have to
urinate, still others just say it's a wierd pressure that doesn't feel like
anything. My question is, is this 'bump' the 'G-Spot' I've heard so much
about? If it isn't, then what is the bump and for gods' sake, what is the
G-spot and where is it?
Thank you for your reply, should you choose to write one..
Slightly confused in Detroit
A: BINGO! You found it. Remember that not all women have one, and that just like some women are tall and some short, some have a more prominent g-spot than others. Now: search my web page (use the faqtory search engine searching on "g-spot") to find the half-hour orgasm protocol and see if you can bring one of the responsive women to orgasm for 30 minutes (and accept her offer to then be your sex slave -- just kidding). And, tell me when you do that.
A: If it is too far from her comfort zone, she can't accept it.
I suggest separating "I don't feel like she accepts me" from "my wife does not support my interest". And, "accept me for who I am" does not mean that she has to participate in your interests if she finds them uncomfortable or distasteful.
If this continues to be a sore point, I suggest finding a sex therapist to help. Keep in mind (probably goes without saying, but just in case) that general therapists find most of anything out of the ordinary "kinky". Their loss, as we know.
I hope this helps.
A: Dry humping (rubbing against the genitals through clothes) is a safe form of sex play which can be satisfying if it ends up in orgasms for both parties (it's not good to get all sexually aroused without having an orgasm -- in guys it's called "blue balls"). The biggest down side is "wetting your underwear" -- with pre-cum and ejaculate for guys, and vaginal lubrication for women.
So long as NONE of the fluid that comes out of a penis gets into the vagina, pregnancy cannot occur. So-called "pre-cum" -- the clear liquid that comes out of an excited penis during excitement and before orgasm -- contains about 80,000 sperm, any ONE of which can result in pregnancy.
More than one female has become pregnant by having her or his fingers, coated with pre-cum or ejaculate, push some liquid into the vagina, and away those little swimmers (sperm) go!
Any questions? Is this crystal clear? Anyone
not sure, please e-mail the sexdoc and explain what you're not sure about.
I'm a 30yo male, married for 5 1/2 years. About 3 years ago I
confided in my wife that I like to crossdress. She was surprised
and confused at first, but came to accept it. Going as far as taking
me shopping and taking pictures of me. Well, a few months later she
discovered a screen name of mine, BiGuy. At the time, I had bisexual
curiousities, but NEVER did I do anything to confirm that "curiousity".
Well, as you can imagine, she was VERY upset and hurt. I don't blame
her. She said that the crossdressing and bisexual stuff was linked
together. I disagree. I've "dressed up" since early teen's
and never wanted to be with a guy. Well, we ended up getting past
that, but my wife never forgot it.
So here way are 3 years later and now my wife finds a dildo of mine. Now this is the part where I've read questions on your page. I even showed her some of your responses about men liking anal stimulation, but that still didn't help though. Her feelings are that with all the other stuff in the past, I want to be gay/bisexual and that someday I'm going to "come out" and leave her for another man. You see, my question deals with more than just "I like anal stimulation". I wish it were that easy. I know I was wrong by hiding the dildo on her, but I knew this would happen. I have no feelings whatsoever for being with another man. It was just a curiousity in the past. BUT, I do enjoy the anal stimulation and wish she would join me in the pleasure. Problem is, we can't seem to get over all the stuff that has happened in the past. Am I just screwed up to the point I need a therapist? Please help...
A: It is interesting that women can wear all kinds of men's clothing without being accused of "cross-dressing", but as soon as a man enjoys the luxury of a pair of tight silk panties, suddenly he is now a pervert.
I hope your wife will accept the following testimony from an expert witness (me): Cross-dressing and bisexuality are two totally distinct sexual interests.
A woman who enjoys having her heterosexual lover use his lips, tongue, fingers, wrist bone, leg, or vibrating dildo stimulate her genitals is never accused of being a lesbian (even though lesbians often use all the same things during their lovemaking). But as soon as a guy wants any kind of anal contact, or wants his prostate massaged directly, through the wall of the rectum, suddenly he is now potentially gay.
The point I am trying to make as strongly as possible is that homosexuality is a matter of the gender of the participants, not an aspect of the behavior itself. The videotape "Bend Over, Boyfriend" (available from Good Vibrations -- I have a link into their WebSite from my home page) encourages a woman to strap on a dildo harness, install a dildo of choice, and butt fuck her boyfriend. This no more makes her masculine than it makes him feminine. I think it goes a long way to helping the genders develop empathy for each other. The only improvement I would like to see is something the woman would have to do to make sure that the dildo stayed erect.
Her concerns that you might leave her for a man sound like a fairly clear illustration of her insecurity in the relationship. How much of that is based on ignorance of psychosexual dynamics and how much may be inspired by other aspects of your marital relationship is unclear. From the information available in the e-mail, I respectfully suggest that the error you made was failing to trust her with the knowledge of what you find to be sexually stimulating.
Based on what you said, I do not think that you are "just screwed up" and in need of a therapist, but I do infer that there has been sufficient damage and erosion of trust in your marital relationship that it would be of significant benefit to both you and your wife to get some marital therapy. I strongly urge you to pursue a sex therapist for two prominent reasons. First, the majority of general therapists will be freaked out by either or both of the cross-dressing and anal dildo, and second, because the vast majority of sexual expression occurs in dyadic relationships, good sex therapists are also good relationship therapists.
A material expression of your appreciation of these comments will be a follow-up report on your and your wife's immediate reactions, and an update if you follow my suggestion to pursue therapy.
6/25/99 He writes again: Hi
there! I'm the 30yo crossdressing male whose wife found his dildo.
Well, I bought the Bend Over Boyfriend video and am anxiously awaiting its
arrival. Your response encouraged me to talk things out with the wife and
last night I actually played with my dildo in front of her. She hasn't
outwardly admitted it yet though, but I know she liked it. This morning she
was even coming up with new ways she could fuck me with it. It seems like
we've gotten over her thinking I'm using it because I want to be gay, but
now it seems she could deal with this even better if the dildo wasn't shaped
EXACTLY like a dick. So I guess I'll buy a vibrator or something to ease
her mind a little. Anyway, just wanted to give you an update and thank you
so much for your help.
A: Either she's not clean or her particular body odor is offensive to you.
Have her take a bath or shower, and douche. If she still smells bad, it's her chemistry clashing with yours. If she tastes great, it was her hygiene.
I'm 63 and my sex partner is 65. Don't laugh...we are VERY active
rarely, if ever, have a problem of become erect. My problem[s] are
First, when my partner gives me oral sex, she tends to push back my
foreskin while my penis is in her mouth and being uncircumsied, it is
VERY uncomfortable when the crown of my penis is uncovered both orally
and during actual intercourse. Is there a 'system' 'trick' or way I can
keep her from pushing back the foreskin while performing fellatio on me
and at the same time satisfy me?
Second...after I perform oral sex on my partner and it's 'time' to have
intercourse, I find that my erection isn't as pronounced as it was when
we commenced our sexual activity for the evening [or day]. As a result,
I have difficulty entering her vagina since my penis is in a
semi-flaccid state. More often than not, we do not complete the sex act
to its fullest and I often must masturbate after she returns to her
house. I do this mainly because I don't want her feeling like she
didn't satisfy me 100%. Actually, I am satisfied when I can perform
cunninglingus [sp] on her and she reaches a climax [sometimes twice].
My question is I guess, should we have intercourse first and then later
proceed with oral sex? Would that be the best route to take, or do you
have any other suggestions?
A: Dear P,
I am not laughing at all. I often accept invitations to present on the topic of senior sexuality, where I am fond of encouraging people not to experience "premature abdication" -- giving up sex too early in life.
Your foreskin gets pushed back because there is too much friction intra-orally on it. While there is no "system" or "trick", the solution may be less satisfying to you. To avoid pushing the foreskin back, she needs to make her lips come in contact with only the shaft of your penis. Depending on the size of her mouth and the length of your penis, and the length of the tip of your penis, she might be restricted to stimulating only a small length of the shaft of your penis. In addition, she may need to use a different angle of oral penetration so that the tip of your penis is suspended between her tongue and the roof of her mouth. While this technique avoids pulling the foreskin back, it results in significantly less stimulation to the penis.
Starting somewhere between the ages of 40 and 70, a physiological changes occurs in the response of the penis to erotic thoughts and direct stimulation. For most men in that age range, the penis, which, once erect, used to stay erect without any attention, now needs some continuous level of direct physiological stimulation. Furthermore, if the erection goes away, usually, no amount of stimulation will "bring it back". The usual solution is to ignore it for 20 to 40 minutes and to then stimulate it. Consequently, I concur with your suggestion that you have intercourse first, and oral sex with her second. In macro-time, "use it or lose it" means the number of orgasms in any one year is best predicted by the number of orgasms in the previous year. And in micro-time, for men who reach this point, it means "once you get it up, get it in".
I'm a 25 year old white English girl who never gave any weight to old
tales about black guys having bigger dicks than white guys, but then I met my
present boyfriend. Barry is the first black boyfriend I've had, and out of my
several previous lovers, 4 brothers and a number of other men whose cocks
I've been exposed to, I've never seen another like his. His erection is about
8 and three-quarter inches long (sad I know, but I just had to measure it!),
and it's awfully thick -- especially the head, which is wider than most of
the shaft. Held against the ruler, it looks close on 2 and a half inches
Seriously, the first time we made love it was a bit difficult getting
inside me to begin with. I'd be overstating matters to say that it hurt, but
it was certainly uncomfortable. But that was a few months ago -- I've got
totally used to his size now, and I really love the fact that he's so
well-endowed. I have a few deeply envious girlfriends!
But almost since we first started having sex, he's been telling me how
an ass I've got, and that he really wants to do anal with me. Now in
principle, Dr. Fitz, I truly don't have any objection. One of my previous
boyfriends used to take me in the ass sometimes (actually quite a lot, when I
think about it) and I rather enjoyed the different sensation. But he had a
totally average-size dick. So far I've put Barry off because I am concerned
not only that it might hurt -- I think I could live with that, up to a point
-- but that such a long penis might do me some internal damage, or that
putting something that diameter up my ass with any regularity might
permanently affect the sphincter in some way.
I've done the obvious thing and asked Barry how he got on doing it with
girls in the past, but he was quite frank in telling me that he's never done
anal before: he's only asked two other girls and they both refused him
because of his size.
I'm feel I'm falling for Barry in a big way, and he seems deeply fond
too. I think this could develop into a long-term relationship, so I'd really
like to be able to please him every way I can. I can almost feel his
frustration when he's taking me from behind that he can't just pull out and
slip into the other hole; and he already does for me lots of things that I
like. But I need to know that attempting anal with him isn't likely to cause
me any harm in the short or long term. Help!
Thanks in anticipation.
A: With the reminder that I am a psychotherapist, not a medical doctor, I am pleased to share the following comments with you (and other readers, of course).
I have seen numerous pictures of women and men with the large end of a baseball bat in their rectum. I have had numerous patients who were into "fisting", also sometimes called "wristing". This is a practice in which a hand is inserted either into the vagina or into the rectum, all the way up to the wrist. While just the thought of doing that makes many people physically ill, it seems that those who enjoy it, well, enjoy it. Uniformly, they have explained that this is not possible until after numerous trials of progressive dilation, always with copious (lots and lots [and more lots] of) lubrication. And by numerous trials, that means anywhere between 10 and 40 events every two to four days increasing the diameter of the dilation slightly each time.
I have also asked these patients whether they ever had any problem with their labia, introitus, or anal sphincters returning to their original, functionally necessary, size. None has reported the slightest difficulty. In fact, some reported that with this practice, the dilation and the contraction occurs more rapidly (up to a point, of course). So while I cannot render in opinion that you will not experience some damage, I hope this gives you some information.
Because of your reference to "... pull out and slip into the other hole ..." this answer would not be complete without the caveat regarding hygiene. Make sure that you never let anything that was in your rectum get inserted into your vagina unless it is washed with a bactericidal soap. Also, some women are not comfortable engaging in anal sex if there is any fecal matter in their rectum (I know you said that you have experience with anal sex; this is for readers who do not).
6/18/99 she replies: Dear Dr. Fitzgerald
Many thanks for your super-quick reply to my e-mail (and for posting
your site -- it's maybe not a common "problem," but there must be at least a
few other women out there in a similar position). Barry and I have looked it
over together and thought through what to do now. I was already aware of anal
fisting and some people managing to get some pretty big objects into their
rectums, but what I was lacking was any information about whether there might
be trouble as a result. The fact that people have at least told you they
haven't experienced any problems gives me enough reassurance to give it a try
-- and you could probably tell from my first e-mail that I really wanted to
try it, it was only the possible risks that gave me pause.
We had thought about how I might "train" my ass to get used to something
large as Barry's cock, and we thought that using a wine bottle with a neck that
progressively gets wider might work really well, so we'll try to find a suitable one
and see if we can gradually get my anus used to opening wide enough.
I appreciate your concerns about hygiene. Yes, I already had this in
you can rest assured that we'll take proper care. Given Barry's size I'll
make sure that my rectum is empty beforehand, and I've suggested to Barry
that he might want to slip on a condom just to keep himself clean (that's
what the previous boyfriend did). He's not too worried about this but he'll
make sure he washes scrupulously afterwards. When I did anal with the other
boyfriend, it was always the last thing we did before he came, which gave us
a kind of natural break in the proceedings to clean up before doing anything
else. So Barry and I will probably do likewise. Hey, this all presupposes I
can actually manage it -- that remains to be seen!
Thanks for your help, and I _will_ let you know how we get on, maybe
in a few
The sexdoc replies: 1) Enjoy the wine; 2) Women have told me that there are wine bottles with no rough edges; that they are easily washed; that they are more comfortable to the touch in sensitive areas when pre-warmed with warm tap water, emptied and dried; that they "hold KY jelly well"; that the progressive diameter provides a sense of feedback and progress; BUT that if the lubricant spreads to where the bottle is being held, that it can slip out of the hand easily; 3) A few men have experienced urethral and/or bladder infections or just local irritation of the tip of the penis from unprotected anal intercourse, while many, many men engage in it regularly without protection (BUT only with a monogamous partner) and without any subsequent discomfort; 4) Here in the States, Lever 2000 and Safeguard are excellent bactericidal soaps (unscented -- some people get irritated by the scented version).
And 2 final comments: 5) Hey, with patience and dilation, you can manage it! and 6) I look forward to your update (which I will post here).
Before i ask my question, i would just like to thank you from
bottom of my heart for putting this website on the internet. As a
teenager (16 year old female), there are so many unanswered questions
about one's sexuality. Not everyone has someone who they can talk to
and ask questions. If you go to your parents, they automatically assume
things and friends are not alway accurate since they have lots of the
same questions on their minds, too. It i nice to be able to ask a
question about something private and get a nice, straight-forward answer!
I visit your website often and have used some of the advice and tips that
you have given others. Once again, i would like to thank you! now the
question. about 3 months ago i paid my first visit to the gyno after my
family doctor recommended that i go on the pill for my horrible cramps.
before the gyno examined she asked a couple questions one of which being
the question if i am a virgin. i told her yes (which is true). then we
went in for the exam and afterwards, we went back into her office and we
talked and she asked me if i was sure that i was a virgin and again i
told her yes (because i am). she then told me that she just wanted to
make sure and that everything was kept confidential with her b/c if i
wasnt there were other precautions and measures that she had to take.
when i came home, i started wondering if maybe she thought i was lying to
her. I do masterbate sometimes and i have materbated with items that are
about the size of a penis (aka dilto, etc). my question is, could the
gyno tell somehow? am i more stretched out b/c i masterbate with
penis-sized things? i have been pondering this for a while now and i
would be greatful if you could answer this question for me.
thank you, A.
A: Dear "A",
Thank you for your kind comments regarding the Web site. I hope that it will alleviate some guilt, prevent some unwanted pregnancies, and help people be more happy and joyous about their sexuality, rather than nervous and worried.
As with the previous question, I need to start with a reminder that I am a psychotherapist, not a medical doctor.
Unless you bruised or otherwise damaged yourself internally using a dildo, my understanding is that there is nothing present in the vagina that would signal that something was inserted. The absence of much or any hymeneal tissue (which can happen naturally or as a result of your use of the dildo), coupled with your request to go on the pill might have alerted the doctor to the idea that you were using bad cramps as an excuse to obtain birth control.
Many young women learn to masturbate an early age, and continue to do so during the adolescent growth spurt. Usually because of guilt around masturbation, they assume that the shape or size of their labia or clitoris is a result of the masturbation. With no "control group" to compare themselves with, they can not know whether their genitalia would end up looking the same if they hadn't masturbate. The medical books that I read indicate that tissue stimulation promotes blood flow, which promotes growth. And, the books that I read say that if a young woman masturbates vigorously or frequently, the result might be a 10 to 15 percent increase in the size of her labia and/or clitoris.
Male genitalia are are much more visible than that of women. Most of the frontal nudity shots of women in magazines show uniformly dainty labia. As a result, many women believe that their genitals are ugly. The reality, however, is that labia take on a wide variety of shapes and sizes and colors.
I sincerely hope that everyone who reads this will
be a good peer counselor whenever possible.
Link to Answers #16
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