Sex and Relationships

Sexual Dysfunction

Answers to questions about sex therapy and sexuality

Copyright (C) 1998, 1999 William F. Fitzgerald, Ph.D.

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Answer page #16

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6/15/99 Q:  Hello,
I have 2 questions.

 my first question is as follows: i am a 16 year old virgin, and after i
masturbate, i get real tired. I was wondering if this would happen after i
have sexual intercourse?


When me and my boyfriend make-out, i have my underwear on and he has his off.
(no, his penis does not go inside of me) But, i know that he gets real horny,
and my friends have told me about pre-cum, and i read that you can get
pregnant even if you have your underwear on, because sperm swims. so, i was
wondering if i could get pregnant by pre-cum even if it doesn't actually go
inside of me.

Thank you for your time,

A:  Unless you exercise vigorously while you masturbate (many women exert tremendous muscle tension, especially in the legs, during masturbation), what you are probably experiencing is minor anesthesia.  When you are sexually excited, your pituitary gland (in the brain) secretes chemicals called "endorphins" which are very much like morphine (a powerful anesthetic) in chemical structure.  When you have an orgasm, you get a squirt of endorphins.   Different people secrete more or less, and different people are more or less sensitive to drugs (including natural body hormones such as estrogen and internal chemicals, like adrenaline).  Some people fall profoundly asleep immediately after an orgasm, and that's not necessarily being rude (although sometimes it is) -- it's just an effect of being internally drugged.

You also get endorphins from aerobic exercise, laughter, and, for some people, mostly women, from chocolate.  Endorphins are GOOD for you.  They increase your white blood cell count, so people with more endorphins in their blood stream on average get sick less than those who don't.

So-called "pre-cum" -- the clear liquid that comes out of the excited penis before ejaculation -- contains about 80,000 sperm, but one has to get inside your vagina to start its swim to the egg to start the impregnation process, so if it doesn't get in you, it can't make you pregnant.  Too many virgins (and some non-virgins, also) have become pregnant because somebody's fingers, wet with pre-cum or ejaculate, pushed some of the liquid into the vagina.  The penis is a GREAT sperm delivery system, but fingers can also work.  If you wish to avoid pregnancy, NEVER let any liquid that comes out of a penis get into your vagina.  Any questions?  (Also see, below, the first 6/9/99 Q/A)

6/14/99 Q:  My husband and I have been together for 6 years.  We're both in our mid-twenties. We have a normal sex life,
once, twice a week. Soon after we started dating he told me he has an incontinence problem at night. I understood this was a medical problem and had no problem, he wears adult diapers to bed at night. Just recently I had
to go into his "screen name" online and he had been visiting sites about adult diaper fetishes. I was surprised, but can get over it, my problem is he has not trusted me to tell me the "truth" for 7 years. He wrote to someone
that he told me he has an incontinence problem, but it is not true that is what he told his wife (me). I think he does and it turned into a fetish, he has consulted urologist a few times about the incontinence. Should I be concerned about the fetish and should I ask him about it, he will be mad I was in his "screen name" online? I want him to be able to open up to me.

A:  The reasons why he was not able to tell you before are obviously still valid for him.  In the heart of every fetishist is the fear of rejection and ridicule if "the truth be known".   In addition, there is a thrill of getting away with something "right under your nose".   I suspect that he will feel that his privacy has been invaded by your seeing what he is doing online UNLESS he sort of made it possible or convenient for you to find out.  Maybe he's "testing the waters" to sample your reaction.

It's quite ho-hum as far as sexuality goes.   It is harmless but restricts his sexual expression.  If you're really OK  with it, offer to join him in the erotic aspects.  He might cream his jeans if you agree to have him diaper you!  Or if you diaper him!

It is one of those " the privacy of your bedroom ..." things, like sex toys and spanking.

Please let me know what happens.


She replies:  Thank you for responding:
 My husband was not "testing the waters" I did invade his privacy. I
do not know how to bring up the "fetish" I am afraid he will automatically
realize I was in his "screen name" online. I really am OK with it, I just
feel betrayed because he has never told me. He did suggest once, when we were
trying to spice things up that I wear one for him. I really want to talk to
about this with him, it is driving me CRAZY!!!!!!!

Thank you,

A:  Then I suggest saying something like:

 Remember the time you wanted ME to wear a diaper?  You seemed pretty turned on about that -- In addition to being necessary for your incontinence, is this exciting for you?

Don't let it drive you crazy.  Figure out a way you can bring up the subject without him feeling like you are going to embarrass, humiliate, ridicule, etc., him.

6/9/99 Q: Dear Doctor,
   Is it possible in any way to become pregnant from having anal sex?

    My boyfriend did not come inside of me, but he did get some semen on me
and I was wet in the vaginal area from pleasure before.  Is it possible that
some semen could have gotten into the vagina?  I'm really worried that I
might be pregnant, but the only sex I've had was anal sex.....please fill me
in with the details.


A:  The only way you can get pregnant from anal sex is if some of the liquid that came out of a man's penis somehow gets into your vagina.  If the woman is on her hands and knees and the man is entering her anally from behind, it is possible that she can ooze semen from her rectum and have gravity carry it close to her vaginal opening.  But even in that case, there would have to be some mechanism to transport the liquid from the opening to her vagina into her vagina.

The mechanism is purely mechanical (or possibly hydraulic).  The ultimate question is whether any of liquid that came out of his penis got transported into your vagina.

By the way, please do not focus exclusively on the semen.  The clear liquid that comes out of a man's penis when he is sexually excited, often called "pre-cum" in the pornographic literature, contains about 80,000 sperm.

The cardinal rule is to make sure that no liquid that comes out of a man's penis gets into your vagina.

6/9/99 Q:  Dear Dr,
I have been married for 9yrs to my wife.  We have two children.  Recently my
wife went with her female boss to Las Vegas and her boss kissed her.  My
wife came home and told me that she loves her boss and her boss feels the
same way for her.  I have been fighting with my wife about this situation
and do not want to belive that me wife is coming out of the closet.  Because
some time she tells me that she loves me,  but some times wants to be with
her boss...  When i asked my wife if they have been sexually involved she
says no.  Her boss also tells me no.  I sometimes want to belive this
because my wife many times has not wanted to have sex with me, but i wonder
if what she says is love for her boss is not just a fantasy o ra good
friendship.  I want our relationship to work but it is very hard to trust.
To tell you something about my wife, is that when she was a very young child
around 12 or 13 she was molested by two close relative.  One night that she
was sleeping a started to rub her legs and she totally freakee out, and told
me not to ever do that again.  That is also the reason that i belive that
all she was looking was a good friend but her boss took it another way.

My wife tells mr that she wants the relationship to work but feels no need
to have sex with me or any one else.  How can i make her understand that sex
is a very important part of a relationship or where can We get help with all
these problems.

Thank You,

A:  I have known many men and women to "discover" their homosexuality  well after their late teens.  It may be that she is a lesbian, but it is ambiguous.  The most reliable way to find out is to see a sex therapist.  Please see comments on my web page about "How to find a sex therapist".


6/9/99 Q:  Dear SexDoc, I'm a 24 year old woman. I've been living with my boyfriend for
almost three years. We've been together for five.
Before we lived together we would have sex 2 or 3 times a week and when we
moved in together we were still having sex 2 or 3 times a week but it was
never enough and still isn't.  If he's not complaining about how often we
don't have sex he's complaining that we don't have foreplay before sex, or
it's not like it used to be.  It used to be that we'd have sex for three to
five hours at a time and now it's about an hour which I am quite happy with.
  Just recently I realized how often we argue about sex.  Now he says that
we only have sex when I want to. I always reply by saying if we had sex when
he wanted it would be all the time. So now I feel like everytime I do want
to have sex I shouldn't tell him because he'll get upset.  I just feel like
our relationship revolves around sex.  shouldn't it be the other way around?
  Sex should revolve around our relationship?  I have a degree in addictions
and I wonder if sometimes he's addicted to sex. He gets irritable and very
unhappy when we don't have sex when he wants it.
Does all this mean that there's something wrong with me or is he being too
difficult.  It's like we're not compatible when it comes to sex and I wonder
how this would effect our relationship once we're married with children.

I hope I've been clear.
It would be great to hear from you.

A:  The bottom line is that I encourage you to consult a therapist in case the complaints about sex are a smoke screen for something else.

The two major criteria that come into play here are compatibility and time.  When you both want to have sex approximately the same number of times each week, you are sexually pretty compatible.  The problem  that arises is that if one of you wants to be sexual a little more often than the other, the one who wants it more frequently feels a little "hungry", and that the other person is being a "gatekeeper".  The other person often feels "hounded".

As I have written in answering  other questions, it sounds is though he is another casualty of the myth that "the only real sex is penile-vaginal intercourse".  In many cases like this, the goal of sex therapy is to achieve a state in which either person can approach the other and propose to be sexual.  The respondent has the option of saying A) sounds great, how about now or in an hour, B) I really don't feel like being penetrated or penetrating right now, but I will use my lips, tongue, fingers, etc. to bring you to orgasm (or you can rub against various parts of my body, etc.), or C)  I really don't feel like doing anything sexual right now.  Why don't you retire to the bedroom or bathroom and take care of yourself.  We both will know what you are doing, and it's okay.  It takes many couples three to five months of sex therapy to reach that point.

Because sex is a sensitive barometer of many aspects of a committed relationship, I encourage you to seek professional intervention to sort this out.  Very often there is a problem that neither can see because of the forest and the trees, but which an objective experienced professional can see.

I hope this helps.  Please let me know your reaction, and what you do.


6/9/99 Q:  Dear Doctor,
    I cought my husband masterbating to some picture over the internet a couple of days ago, and I have been questioning my ability to please him ever since. I have tried to talk to him about this but I think it really embarresses him. I don't know what to do to help everytime he even kisses me now I wonder if I am doing that right for him or not can you please help.

                                                        Thank You

A:  Please take a deep breath and relax!  Human males are visually stimulated and masturbation is not an insult to you; it's additional sexual pleasure that doesn't violate a commitment of monogamy.

Touching (your kissing him) is categorically different from fantasizing.


If you, or anyone you know, is thinking about penis enlargement, read this:
6/7/99 Q:  Dear Dr.Fitz I have done a very stupid thing while cruising the internet about six months ago I found a website dedicated to penile enlargement.  The method I chose was something called jelq or milking it consisted of taking the penis in a semi-erect state and milking it like a cow with lubricant ( in the bathtub) for about 100 to 200 strokes I did this about every other day for a period of about three months the results were great or so I thought extremely hard erections better staying power and yes and increase in length about 3/4 of an inch. However after I quit I realized I couldn't get an ercection from visual stimuli anymore and  masturbation didn't feel nearly as good as it did before I started the stretches so my question to you is if I have permanently damaged my member and if not how I could rehabilitate it PC exercises, not masturbating for along time quitting smoking etc.. I am much to embarassed to go to a doctor about this so any reply would be greatly appreciated by the way I am 19 if that means anything in regards to this.  Thanks in advance B.

A:  You must consult a Urologist about this!  I hear your embarrassment but this is a medical condition that must be evaluated in all aspects.


6/4/99 Q:  Hello Dr. my boyfriend had a physical exam and when the doctor did a
prostate examination he had an erection and now he's thinking he may have
gay tendencies since he said it felt good to have his prostate massaged he
says is not attracted to men at all but he's so confused now as to why he
got an erection. What do you think about this is that normal?

Thanks any advice would be greatly appreciated.

A:  NO NO NO!   It's not homosexual -- it's simple neurology (and he would have had the same reaction regardless of the gender of the doctor!).  If you have sharp fingernails, you can't stimulate his prostate safely, but if you don't, go to any medical supply store (sort of like an office supply, but for medical folks) and buy a box of latex examining gloves.  Put one on, use lots of KY Jelly (warm it up first), and have him tell you exactly where it feels good.  If you or he is also stroking his penis he will likely have a peak orgasm and be your sex slave and devoted follower for a long time.

When you take the glove off, turn it inside out as you do to capture any fecal matter that might be on it.  Dispose of the glove discreetly, and don't re-use a glove.  Any questions?

6/4/99 Q:  Dear Dr.
  I'm 19 years olds and so is my boyfriend of one year in July. When we have sex I always tell him to stop and I don't know why. Sometime we have sex when his parents are there and he rushes me and I never come. I tell him to take his time and we have and nothing seems to work for me. When I'm at home I think about having great sex with him. When I with him I don't feel the same I'm never horney then. I tried and tried but nothing seems to work. It's really hard cause I want to please but at the same time I'm not pleased. What do you suggest? What can I do to overcome the feeling of being scared and getting caught? i really want to know how to make things right. I've had sex with a friend and I never came not one. My current boyfriend was the first to make me come. I haven't since. At the time I was rubbing my clitoris while having intercourse which is very hard. Not my way of wanting sex. I  will be very happy if you coud help.

A:  The imagery that jumped into my mind as I read this e-mail was  "I'm trying to thread a needle while on the back seat of a motorcycle that is going over a very bumpy road.  Please help".  People can have good sex in a wide variety of places, but if the fear of getting caught is a clear and present danger, or there is time pressure to perform, it tends to detract from maximum pleasure.  Compound that with your obvious ambivalence (I always tell him to stop and I don't know why), and I am not surprised that you are not having a good sexual response.  I suggest that you find a safe comfortable place where you can be cool, calm, and relaxed, and where you have plenty of time.

Even when you are more comfortable wanting to be sexual with your boyfriend, you should know that only about 40 percent of women achieve orgasm by penile-vaginal thrusting alone.  The rest have an orgasm before or after intercourse, during intercourse but only with additional clitoral stimulation, or not all.

p.s.  I would have replied by e-mail but there was nothing in your "reply to" line.

6/4/99 Q:  I heard that a female can get more pleasure if she shaves her vagina. Is this

A:  Considering that the vagina is a hairless internal organ, the thought of shaving it sends chills up my spine.  Because you must be referring to pubic hair, I will comment on that.  The majority of women who have shaved their pubic hair have very similar comments in common.  The majority report that the anticipation was very exciting, that the appearance of their shaved genitals was less pretty than they expected, that their sexual response was greater the first several times they were touched where they shaved, but that the maintenance was a nuisance, and, probably most importantly, that if they knew how uncomfortable the grow back period was going to be, they would never have done it.  AND that they'd never do it again.

In summary, it's a short-term thrill followed by a great deal of discomfort and inconvenience.

6/4/99 Q:  My husband and I have been married for five years and he still feels
that we should be making love like bunnies.  I am currently pregnant
with our fourth child.  And I feel like we don't have to have
intercourse all of the time because now we are comfortable with each

Last month I found out that he was looking for women in our area on the
net.  And when I confronted him about this he said that it was just for
sex.  As far as I can tell he hasn't actually met any of these women.
But I think that once a week, or twice a week is normal at this stage in
our relationship.  He says that sometimes it isn't enough.  So do you
think he is addicted to sex on some level?

To give you a brief history; my husband's parents are both alcoholics
and drug addicted.  However; my husband doesn't drink or do drugs.
Could this be the way that he has picked up the addiction?  I read
somewhere, I forget where, that when there are addictions in the family
that the next generation can have addictions whether they are the same
or channeled differently.

Please reply to this question.  Because of what I found out last month I
have been seriously wondering if I am enough for my husband.  Or if what
he needs is some therapy.  I am extremely confused.  And I don't know
where to go from here.

Thank You For Your Time

A:  While I concur that there is such a thing as an "addictive personality", and while I accept that there are certain people who are biochemically compromised and therefore prone to addictions, I take the professional stance that there is no such thing as "sexual addiction".

People vary considerably in their sexual appetite.  I have had couples in therapy who have had intercourse once every six weeks, and for them that was mutually satisfactory.  I have also had couples who had intercourse twice a day Monday through Friday, and three times a day on Saturday and Sunday, and they were both perfectly happy with that frequency.  So I translate your question of whether once or twice a week is sufficient to mean "I (the female) think that once or twice a week ought to be sufficient.  He (the male) reports that this is not often enough."

As a minor aside, I get many more e-mails from men who complain that with one or two children, they have sex once every month or so.  So by contrast, your husband ought to be glad the you're having intercourse as often as you are.

If you have a marital contract of monogamy, is not what he is proposing a violation of your contract?  If he believes the myth that "the only real sex is penile-vaginal intercourse", or it if he anticipates that you would be critical if he were to masturbate, then he may see his choices as only "suffering in silence", or seeking a sexual partner outside of marriage.

The best solution to this problem  is difficult for many couples to put into place without therapeutic assistance.  One person approaches the other and proposes sex.  The respondent says A)  let's have intercourse, or B) I don't feel like being penetrated (or penetrating), but I will help you have an orgasm using my hands, my mouth, or letting you rub against me, or C)  I really don't feel like doing anything sexual right now.  How about if you take care of yourself, we'll both know what you're doing and it's okay, and I will hold your phone calls.

"Are you enough for your husband" implies that the demand is reasonable but the supply is deficient.  Please focus on negotiation.

"Does he need therapy?"  That depends on what each of you does, and  the effect of your behavior on your marriage.

Please let me know what you do with this information and what happens.


6/4/99 Q:  Hello Doctor:  My husband of 49 has always had a high sex drive and we
have enjoyed great sex for many yearss.  However beginning a year or so
ago he began being unable to reach orgasm, as well as ejaculation no
matter what method or how long.  There is no erectile problem. He
recently had a complete physcial and te doctor gave him a sample of
Viagra but the  results were the same.  He is going to refer him to a
urologist.  He mentioned a condition (75 cent word) where the ejeculate
actually goes back in rather than out -- have you ever heard of this and
is it treatable?????  We're anxious to know.
Thanks a million.

A:  The 75 cent word is "retrograde" as in retrograde ejaculation.  This is often caused by an enlarged prostate gland.  When pelvic muscles squeeze on the seminal vesicles, the enlarged prostate presses on the urethra.  When the semen cannot get out going forward, it gets squirted backward up into the bladder.

The retrograde ejaculation is commonplace and of very little concern.  What concerns me more, however, is the inability to achieve orgasm.  I encourage you to focus your energies there.

Please let me know what you find out.


6/4/99 Q:  Dear SexDoc,

Sorry this is rather long and drawn out. It's a complicated situation.

I am a  male in my mid-thirties. My wife & I have been married for almost 15 years
now. We have three children.

Since early in our relationship (before marriage) we have practiced bondage,
with myself primarily as the bottom. I'm not in to pain, bloodsport or any
of that type of thing, but being tightly bound with ropes, plastic wrap,
velcro, you name it, is a real turn-on for me. Although she has tried being
the "bottom" a few times over the years, she has never enjoyed it and would
rather not participate in that way. Up until recently, she has always
willingly obliged my desires though.

We have always also participated in "normal" intercourse as well, although
the frequency has varied back & forth from majority to minority. I enjoy
this as well, but not as "fiercely" as the bondage. I don't have any trouble
reaching orgasm, and I can usually bring her to orgasm as well, although not
with penile stimulation only. She insists that I "don't like it" and am only
interested in bondage.

Over the last few years, she has steadily tried to reduce the frequency and
quantity of bondage play in our relationship. It seemed as though we were
constantly "renegotiating" on how often I could receive the bondage play,
and the time between got steadily greater. About three months ago, she
refused to participate at all any more.

She has been seeing a therapist for quite a while. We visited together on
several occasions, but the subject of our sex lives didn't come up until
more recently. I was relatively comfortable with the "regular" therapist,
but he is not a sexual therapist, so he referred us to another specialist.
We went to him for one visit, but I wasn't very comfortable with the
specialist. The end result of the first (and only, so far) visit to the sex
therapist was him asking me to come back alone to discuss things further.
Something about the way he said it just made me not want to return. The
"regular" therapist has declined to see us as a couple any more until the
"sexual issues" between us are resolved with someone else.

My wife is convinced that there is something "wrong" with me because of
these desires that needs to be "fixed" by a therapist. Many years ago there
was an issue of sexual dysfunction in my family involving my father toward
my sister. I was not aware of it until after our son was born, but I think
she relates that to our relationship and is convinced it is because of
something that happened to me as a child that I have these desires. I don't
think so, but she has made it clear that if I don't go to therapy, the
relationship will end.

I have always been comfortable with my sexuality. I've never thought of
myself as being "defective" because of these desires. It's just a fun thing
to do. It is difficult for me to go to someone that I think is going to try
to change me.

I love her and my kids and I would like to be able to work this out. I
realize she has felt like she has been meeting only my needs for all these
years and she wants that to change so she gets her share, but I don't want
it to be at the expense of my needs. I'm not sure what to expect from
therapy. I don't want to be told I am the bad guy. I have tried very hard to
make her happy for all these years. I know I haven't done a very good job,
but now no matter how hard I try, nothing seems to help.

Any advise?

A:  I encourage you to consult a therapist face-to-face, but be very careful that you connect with an experienced sex therapist.  Any therapist who implies that you are a "bad guy" for being into bondage is ignorant, inexperienced, or has an ax to grind.  I wonder if your reaction to the sex therapist you saw once might have been, in part, guilt over what you do and a fear of being criticized.

Different people are eroticized by different things.  Some adore vaginal intercourse and are turned off by anything else, some find that  occasional oral or anal sex seriously spices up their sex life, and many people enjoy  cross-dressing and  using sex toys.  Those idiosyncrasies do not make them "good" or "bad"; they make them interesting and different.  (AND, somewhat non-conformist in regard to what puritanically-inspired society says what people should and should not do.)

I suspect that your experienced and non-judgmental* sex therapist will encourage you to assess the extent to which you have been getting your sexual needs met compared with the extent to which your wife has been getting her needs met.  If this is out of balance, as you imply, I am not surprised by her reaction.

Very often in committed monogamous relationships there is a form of sexual economy in which both people engage in some behaviors they both enjoy, but that there is some trade-off in that one will participate in an activity they don't really enjoy but the partner really does, in return for something in trade.  A common example is her "letting him" have anal intercourse with her (which he really likes but she doesn't, particularly), in return for him giving her oral sex (which she really likes but he doesn't, particularly).

Your situation is complicated by the appearance of "bait and switch" because she engaged more often and more freely in your bondage activities earlier in the relationship.  While you may focus on how unfair it is that the ground rules have changed, I encourage you to also focus on the trend of what she's getting out of the relationship.  If her returns are diminishing, what's her motive for meeting your needs?  Walk a mile in her shoes and then see if you can negotiate a new balance between meeting each other's needs.

Please me know what you do and what happens.


*Experienced therapists ARE judgmental regarding harm -- such as exploitation and child and elder abuse -- and are not judgmental regarding harmless preferences.    Many therapists inexperienced in "advanced sexuality" are turned off by sex out of the ordinary because they grew up in the same sexually repressed culture that teachers, medical doctors, attorneys, etc., have.

6/1/99 Q:  Hey Doc,
Just wanted to say thank you for answering my questions.  I have always been
curious-->  What made you want to be a sex doctor?  Was it to find out
information for yourself or was it to hear a variety of problems from other
people and help them out?  I know this is an off the subject type question,
but I have always wondered it.

Talk to you later,

A:  Dear Kim,

The idea of people becoming psychologists to "fix" their own emotional problems is bogus.  Those with major problems flunk out.

When I was in graduate school, I had several sex cases and became interested.

When I was in  a group practice, everyone but me thought certain sex cases (e.g., guys who wear silk panties) were disgusting.

I was able to tolerate absolutely gruesome stories of childhood sexual abuse, and treat adult survivors very effectively.

I was very effective in getting people to overcome sexual problems and in treating sexual offenders.

I am very good at what I do and it makes me feel good to help people.

6/1/99 Q:  dear sexdoc,

        in what position(s) do men like to recieve oral sex in the best?

A:  Yes.  (end of answer)

Seriously, folks, that's like  asking what food do men love most.  It depends on the man.

Some like lying on their back, others like standing up; some like sitting.  Try them all with your guy and ask him to choose (and then do it in a different position for variety).


5/27/99 Q:  I am a 23 year old female and have been married now for three years.  My problem is that my husband and I have not been able to engage in sexual intercourse.  The problem is not him, it is me.  The instant that he tries to enter my whole body tenses up.  I try to relax and just let things happen but it just doesn't work.  The more I try to let things work, the more it seems my body works against me.  It just feels like, that I physically cannot have sexual intercourse.
When I went in for my yearly pap smears, I discussed this with the  doctor and she would tell me that I needed to realax and that she saw absolutely no reason why I should be having any problems.  She did say that I was really tense and that I needed to focus on relaxing my muscles and that my husband could help me do this by inserting his finger into my vagina and massaging until I fealt that I was ready.  But I can't even get a tampon in and just the thought of my husband doing that makes me hurt.  I feel like I am just being a baby about this and that I just need to let my husband do it, but I am very serious when I say I can't, I really honestly can't, it just doesn't work!    Is it possible that some women just can't have sex?
I would appreciate any help you could give me.  I just want to be able to give myself to my husband in "every" way.  He has been so patient with me, and would truly wait FOREVER for me, I'm very lucky to have such a special guy!!!
 I'm just sick of waiting and trying to convince myself  that maybe next time we try, it will work.   I have been saying that to myself for the past three years and I don't want to wait anymore!   Please help me?!


A:  It sounds to be like you have a fairly severe case of vaginismus.  I do not believe that there are women (or men) who "simply can't have sex".  But there are unfortunately plenty of men and women who have severe inhibitions.

I think that what your gynecologist was recommending was a sort of less formal, at home, self-help approach to the professional treatment protocol.

The most effective treatment for vaginismus is a combination of pelvic muscle exercises, breathing exercises, inserting dilators of progressively greater diameter into the vagina, and concomitant monitoring and progressive disinhibition by a competent sex therapist.  I have  talked to many women who tried to do this on a self-help basis, with little success and much frustration.  Seeing a sex therapist on a weekly basis is an essential element for success.

I hope this helps.  Please let me know what you do.

Dr. Fitzgerald a.k.a. Sexdoc

5/27/99 Q:  Dear Dr. Fitz,

I am a married man of almost 12 years.  My wife and I have lived out
almost every kind of sexual fantasy, (including three-ways) that I or
she could imagine.  She is an awesome partner and  I like to think that
she is satisfied with me as well however there is one complication that
both of us are concerned about.  Too Much Sex.  My wife always wants
sex.  In twelve years that we have been married we have had sex as much
as when we first met.  This sometimes leads to me going through the
motions just to go through the motions.  I really enjoy sex with her,
however, it tends to get boring and emotionless.

What should we do?

A:  I am reminded of the sarcastic definition of a nymphomaniac: any woman who wants to be sexual more often than you do.  Very few sexual partners are precisely matched in regard to frequency of sexual contact.  Even when they are pretty darn close, her menstrual period or his stress at work can interfere.  You have three choices.  You can see a sex therapist for sexual enhancement.  You can respectfully decline to join her in sexual behavior on some occasions, encouraging her to take care of her own sexual needs, and making that perfectly okay with both of you.  Or, you can conclude that you have sampled all the peak sexual experiences and that there are none left.

Please let me know what you decide and what you do.

5/21/99 Q:  Dr. Sex Doctor:

I am 36 years old and have been married for 9 years.  I love my husband, but I am at my wit's end.

We dated in college, during which time the sex was fun and exciting.  We both realized our relationship had long-lasting potential, but neither one of us was ready for such a thing.  I ended the relationship, because we were continually hurting one another; first he would pull away emotionally, then I would.  Five years later, I contacted him.  We spoke and it was as if no time had passed.  We dated, became, engaged, and planned a wedding. We were engaged for 14 months.   At that time, I knew that my own sex drive was bigger than his.  I thought I could deal with it.  I was pursuing a career , and I thought I would have some passion left over.  I never knew just how much that would be.

My father died six weeks before we were married.  After about three months of marriage, during which sex was satisfying and reasonably frequent, my husband said to me "why aren't you over this already?"  Needless to say I was hurt and sought outside help to deal with my grief (lots of unresolved guilt and anger).  I was successful in this.  Within three more months, my husband's sexual desires began to wane.  From once a week, to once a month, to less.  I sought help from the only certified sex therapist in our town.  My husband's "reasons" at the time were:  I still feel like you are going to leave me again, and a problem dealing with the responsibility of marriage.

We attended therapy together, but somehow he would never follow through with any of the "assignments" we were given.  To this day he will not tell me what turns him on, or what he wants sexually.  I have tried talking, begging, pleading, I have tried journaling (which he lost).  I have tried erotic books and highlighters.  I had drawers full of lingerie. He seems completely unwilling to open his heart and mind to anything sexual or sensual.
Through the grace of God, and my own persistance in making love that evening, I became pregnant 7 years ago.  This was not intentional, but we were using the rhythm method of birth control because I refused to stay on the pill when sex was so infrequent.  Since then we have made love a total of 6 times.  At one point, we went two years without love making.  He was happy when I became pregnant, because he used the excuse that he was afraid he would hurt the baby (despite all the medical literature to the contrary).  None of these 6 times were at his instigation; nor do I feel as if I have been made love to in years.  It has become something he does when I nag and persist enough, and only if I do all the work arousing himself, me, and getting on top.  Once, he came, asked me to get off, and went to sleep, never even bothering to notice I hadn't orgasmed.  I am easily, multi-orgasmic.  Really.  All it takes is a little encouragement.  I am demoralized.  I feel completely unloved.  He won't perform oral sex on me, although he likes it done to him.  I love sex and am willing to do anything (within reason) but he will not verbalize any of his own needs or wants.  I have sought solace in food and am now significantly overweight.
We have a total of three children (believe me when I say that this was not deliberate on my part; our middle child was conceived on the 5th day of my cycle).  I love our children, and I hate the idea that in order to have a sex life I must nag continually (which is, in all honesty, not even remotely satisfying anymore) or I must leave this man and cause such harm to our children. My  career was put aside when I realized that I was not cut out to be an absentee mother.  I do not blame my husband for this decision.  But the reality is, is that I am now a stay-at-home mother.  I have found many creative outlets on my own.
We remained in therapy for three years.  Part of the time he went alone.  After the birth of our second child, I visited the therapist on my own.  I begged her to help me deal with my anger over this situation, since I had obviously decided to stay  in the marriage.  She stated that she wanted me to stay angry, or nothing would ever change.  We have not been back.
On top of all of this, my husband has severe psoriatic arthritis.  This was not a major obstacle when we were first married.  It became, over the past two years, a significant disability.  He is now on 20mg of methotrexate per week which seems to be helping his skin.  He believes he is moving better now, and I will concede that it is somewhat better, but all I see is the difficulties he has.  He does not take his medicine as he should.  He does not follow his doctor's advice.  It drives me insane to know that he cannot care enough about me to get better, he won't care about the kids enough to try to get better, and most importantly he won't care enough about himself to do everything he can to get better.
I believe he has some depression.  Neither the therapist we saw or the family doctor we have had in the past will believe me.  They say that since he can function at work (and successfully, too) that he can't be depressed.  He has no outside interests.  He comes home from work and can barely do much except sleep.  He does help with the children and he has always helped around the house.  In the past three months, he has forgotten my birthday, our anniversary, and my Mother's Day gift was a box of chocolates delivered by our two oldest children while I was on the toilet (hey, I thought you might need a laugh after all of this, it was kind of cute that they couldn't wait for me to open them so that they could have one).  If we get any alone time, it's because I make the arrangements and hire the sitter.  There is a history of depression in his family.
And now for my question:  has this happended to anyone else??  All I ever read about are the men that are so forlorn because their wives have lost interest in sex.  What can I do??  I do not find pleasure in self-stimulation.  I need and desire sex for the mutual satisfaction and demonstration of love it provides.  Am I crazy to want this??  Must I resign myself to a life without love, desire, and passion?  I still am not willing to do this.
I was glad to find this web site, but I wish you could see the tear stains on the paper as I write this note.  Is there any hope?  Do you know of any sex therapists that would be willing to work with us?  I do not know if he would try, but I MUST DO SOMETHING.    Please, can you help??


A:  Dear Sally,

" ... leave this man and cause such harm to the children ..." ???  that phrase jumped off the page at me.  I am also startled by the comment that he  "can't be depressed because he is so successful at work".   I guess I went to a different school.

You have a huge quality of life decision to make for you and your children.  If he comes home from work and can barely do much except sleep, along with your other comments from which I infer that he is apathetic, I think you need a second opinion regarding his depression.  From what you described, it sounds to me as though the lack of sexual interest  (and a lot of other things) is  secondary to depression.  Please be very clear the I cannot make any diagnosis in the absence of a personal consultation, but if a health care practitioner local to you makes that diagnosis, it will be interesting to see if your husband would be willing to take an experimental course of antidepressants.

For many people, a reduction in or loss of sexual interest is the first sign of depression.  Unfortunately, if he fails to take antidepressant medication regularly, or expects it to have an effect quickly, or expects that it will make his life remarkably better with no effort on his part, he may successfully discourage himself from continuing the medication.  If he is diagnosed as depressed, and does get a prescription for an antidepressant, I urge you to be hypersensitive to these sources of sabotage.

If he is unresponsive to medication or other interventions, I urge you to consult with a therapist regarding your quality of life and the message that your children are getting.  If they take Daddy as a role model, and mimic his apathy, you might have four problem people on your hands instead of only one.

5/20/99 Q:   Dr. Fitzgerald,

I have a question about a friend of mine...  I'm a 30 year old gay male and have a friend who I am wondering if I am right in being suspicious about him being gay...  I met him about four years ago as he was just coming out of a relationship with girl he had been dating for three months...  We hit it off quite well, so well that we started hanging out with each other  all the time... After a few weeks I was comfortable with him enough to tell him I was gay, it didn't bother him in the least, but he did tell me he was straight.  After about 6 months of being with each other all the time he apparently felt comfortable enough to start undressing in front of me... This didn't just happen once, anytime he needed to change clothes and I was around, the clothes came off in front of me.   the whole thing was a little startling at first but after a while it was very arousing.  As this little game kept going I started making comments about how good he looked and what a nice body he had, he seemed to really like it and he knew I did.  Sometimes while undressing he would do a little striptease thing, stopping just before it all came off.  It really amazed me that he would do this in front of another man, let alone a gay man....  There were a couple of times he decided to flirt, flirt so bad that I couldn't even stand up straight.  During one of the flirting episodes I finally got ticked off enough to threaten to give him a blow job, he didn't quite know how to handle that and stopped teasing.  I asked him why he did it and the reply I got was " because I know what you like".  While I admit that he has had some sexual relationships with girls, he has never seemed to be very happy with any of them.  At this point in time I'm not sure what would make him happy.  Some of his so called " joking  around " with his other male friends goes a little towards the homoerotic side as well and he has an odd fascination with the reaction of other men when he orally services a beer bottle (it looks like he's practiced a lot).  There are times he seems straight but after getting to know him really well I'm no longer convinced that he's straight, now it just looks to me like he's really trying hard to be straight, especially for his other male friends.  I know I haven't given you enough information but I just want an opinion....


A:  Dear Brad,

Because I'm posting this on my Web page, I'm going to preface my comments with the public statement that the following is definitely going to irritate a segment of the reading population.

If he behaved this way only a few times, I would infer that this was most likely passive-aggressive behavior.  At a minimum, it sounds as though he's trying to connect with you in a way that he thinks you will appreciate, while staying within his comfort zone.  Please note that both the stripping and the oral servicing of a beer bottle get him a lot of attention.  It is possible  that he is insecure and that these behaviors are simply learned attention-getting devices.

On the other hand, he may be aware of homoerotic feelings, and be in sufficient conflict that he suppresses acting on them.  I have known many people who have struggled with their homosexuality well into their 20s and 30s.  Some have been in one or more unsuccessful marriage.  When they finally acknowledged their sexuality, their  relief was palpable.

Please also be clear about the role you are playing in this.  I am sure he is quite aware that he is turning you on, and whatever behavior you elicit is rewarding, encouraging, and reinforcing his behavior.  I suggest that you give some thought to your own boundaries.  If you experience his teasing as cruel, change the only behavior you can control: yours.

Thanks for a great question.  Another public comment: for those of you who are heterosexual and are having a difficult time understanding this, pretend that the guy who does the stripping is a very attractive woman doing the same thing in front of a heterosexual man.  The idea of "prick teaser" should come to mind.

5/18/99 Q:
I am a very happily married man. My wife and I are around 50 years old and we have a very good
relationship. As well as good sex. We are experiencing a change in her desire
and we have always experienced a problem with my quick ejaculations. Not that
quick but always before I can bring her to an orgasm. We have been doing it
in the shower lately and she get really hot when we do it in a vertical
position but I tend to get carried away and BANG. Then I try to get her to
catch up. Is their any suggestion or cream that can be applied to slow my
ejaculation down? And is there a way to stimulate her more. I feel if I could
hold out to  make her go wild while we are engaged in penetration It would be
more gratifying for her. I can and do gratify her in other areas of sex but
have not concurred this problem. Help!

A:  AHA!  Another victim of the myth that "The only REAL sex is penile-vaginal intercourse"!  (And the corollary that the best sex is simultaneous orgasm.)  You two have only 30 or 40 more years of good sex left, so I suggest that you use the time wisely!  Accept the idea that separate orgasms are OK and do what she likes to bring her to orgasm after orgasm without using your penis.  If she wants something in her vagina, get a high quality silicone dildo (you can link to Good Vibrations from my home page) and drive her wild without concern about your erection.  If you want to use a vibrator, use only a battery-powered one, and you can put it in a plastic bag to keep it dry.   When she cries "Uncle", turn the tables and have her concentrate on your pleasure.  If that includes vaginal penetration, go for it (unless she is too sore) without worrying that you might (will?) have an orgasm before she does.

You and other readers are invited to comment on this and to provide feedback.

5/18/99 Q:  Dear Doctor,
My wife and I are in our early thirties. We've been married for almost 10 years, and
one may say that we have had a loving and caring relationship, lots of
common interests, and basically we have been both good lovers and
friends. Unfortunately most of the issues of our relatioship have been
raised by my wife and I have alwayz had a passive role thinking that we
have not had any major problems in our life. Problems we do have mostly
belong to the fact that we live in a war ridden country and this has
never affected our lives but certainly has shaped us emotionally. 5
months ago my wife gave birth to a baby boy.

A last few years, our sexual life has been an issue raised by my wife
with an attitude that this time I should be the one to consider a
certain lack of interest in sex we have both shown. Then I felt
inadequate and insecure to recognize and address the problem so it went
from bad to worse. WE always used excuses> working hard, my wife's
pregnancy, recovery after child birth, etc. At this point I am the one
who is trying to show how keen I am to improve our sex life (in a last
few weeks we finally had sex a few times), however I still detect an
impossibility of my wife to relax and enjoy, and my impossibility to
provoke her to talk about it. She is constantly worried, cold,
concentrated on other matters even when we are in bed. Although we
overcame months of sexual inactivity, this situation is a non-starter
for any discussion on ways we make love, what each other enyoj, and
basically on being horny which is for me a precondition for great sex.
In this situation our sex looks like this: it happens in the middle of
the night, when we are both tired, it takes long time to relax her, and
make her wet, it is totally my initiative, she is responsive but
passive, she has orgasm only when stimulated orally (which I like, but
it also makes her unconfortable), the forplay is too long, and during
it we often lose concentration, she does not say what she would like to
do, when I say it our ask her I feel insecure and I think I sound
phoney, sometimes I give up in the middle and act sulky. I would like
to raise issues about other ways of making love (we tried in the past,
including bathroom quickies, anal sex...) but I would like to start
from a straighforward fully active sex in order to rebuild sense of
security and pleasure for both of us. I feel constatly that I am
missing the point and that I am not able to put forward the right
question. How to approach sex in this situation, how to talk about it?
I don-t have much experience in sex with other women, and have always
been faithful to her. Sometimes I resort to masturbation. She does not
know that. I feel like desperatly trying to make her happy, but this
appaers as my problem as well. Is sex to be so complicated? I believe
that simply she is not mentally stimulated by myself to have sex. What
shall I do?

I would be very grateful for your reply.

Yours sincerely


A:  Dear frustrated,

What you describe is the classic justification for sex therapists.  There is the expression "if what you're doing isn't working, try something different".  In your case, it sounds as though you have exhausted your ability to make changes internally, and external intervention is needed to make progress.

Unfortunately, this is very common.  Fortunately, experienced therapists are pretty good at handling this.  The longer this continues like this, the more "entrenched" it becomes, and the longer it will take to reverse it in therapy.  I suggest that you initiate sex therapy as soon as possible.


5/16/99 Q:  How long can a "Butt Plug" be worn? Can it cause any damage?
     Thank-You, Martha

A:  Dear Martha,

A butt plug creates a sensation of fullness in the rectum.  Nerve endings in the pelvis, as well as the many nerves in the anus, and the nerves in the skin around the anus, all send signals to the brain.  While part of that stimulation is interpreted by the brain to be sexually exciting, part of it also works similar to the function of an enema, and signals  the digestive system that a bowel movement is needed.

In order for the butt plug to not slip up inside,  a flange or lip stays outside.

How long can it be worn?  Until it causes the wearer distress from a profound need to evacuate the bowel, or until it drives the wearer crazy from pleasure, or until all the lubrication around the flange is resorbed and motion causes tissue inflammation around the anus or inflammation of the anus itself.

If the wearer continues to eat normally, and defecation is blocked by the butt plug, I speculate that after a few days, the result might be either massive diarrhea or an intestinal blockage.

Does this cover all the bases for you?


She replies:  The reason for information on the butt plug is to loosen the muscles around
the anus for sexual purposes.
Thank-you for your advise/info it was very helpful, much more so than any
others that I have read.
Again, thank-you,

And I reply:  To prepare the anal sphincters for anal intercourse, you need gentle progressive dilation of the anus, not necessarily volume within the rectum.

Some of my patients accomplish anal dilation by using progressively larger (in diameter) dildos.  Others most prefer using a wine bottle whose neck progressively increases in diameter.  The wine bottle users prefer that because they can move it in and out,  gradually inserting it deeper and deeper, thus gradually increasing the diameter that the anus is opened.

Using a butt plug dilates the anal sphincters each time the widest part of the plug is inserted or removed.  That's what "loosens up" (stretches) the anal sphincter muscles.  Having the anus return to a small diameter around the narrow shaft of the butt plug for some period of   time does not facilitate the anal muscle dilation.  Think of it as doing a deep knee bend.  The benefit occurs when you are in motion, not fully standing or resting on your heels.  Please let me know if this analogy (and the above information) makes sense to you.


5/16/99 Q:   I developed Peyronie's disease about 3-4 years ago.  The curvature,
while bad, isn't my main problem.  The main problem is the lessening of
both length and girth, which has been considerable.

I wasn't Dirk Diggler or John Holmes to begin with.  I was a bit under
statistical average in the length department, though my last girlfriend
told me my girth was above average, though I never measured that.  In
the past, when I'd wrap my hand around my erect penis, I couldn't make
the tip of my longest finger touch the tip of my thumb except just below
the head, and to accomplish that, I'd have to give it a pretty good
squeeze.  Well, things have changed dramatically.  My erect length is
down near 3 inches, and I can easily encircle my penis with my fingers
with plenty to spare.  My erect penis now looks like that of a
pre-pubescent boy.

As I'm sure you're aware, treatments for Peyronie's range from the
ineffective to the extreme and expensive, and insurers like to consider
corrective surgery for this an uncoverable thrill.

While I've read that the average for an erect penis is between 3 & 7
inches, I've come to know by experience that the lower end of that scale
is insufficient for a woman's sexual pleasure.  I don't know what
information you have regarding that, but I can tell you that from

My first sexual experience was when I was 14, with the school tramp.  A
friend of mine was present because she was going to do him, too.  When I
was inside of her (completely, I might add), my friend asked her, "Is he
in?"  She replied, "I can't tell."  I will always hear those words in my

My 2nd lover didn't say anything like that, but I was never able to
please her.  She sought satisfaction elsewhere.

My 3rd lover was a woman that I really, really loved.  I could have very
happily spent the rest of my life with her.  But when I entered her, I
could see the disappointment in her eyes.  She kept telling me, "Move
up" but when I was "up" as far as I could go, it was still insufficient.

My last lover was the one who told me my girth was above average.  That
was the first time I ever realized that, actually.  Our sex life seemed
satisfactory, but she eventually admitted to me that she was faking her

These all occured when my erect penis was 5 inches long--not 3-- and
much thicker than now.  My sex life is essentially over, at least, sex
with another person.  While the thought is not terribly prevalent,
suicide has crossed my mind.  I hear of all these other people having
great sex. I hear of women complaining of how their husbands won't do
such-and-such (example: cunnilingus, or one of many other things) and I
think, "I would be HAPPY to do that;  I would BEG to do that."  But
that's for people with functioning genitals.  I hear of men who
intentionally physically abuse women, guys who are married 2, 3, 4
times, or who cheat on their wives with multiple sexual partners, or run
out on their wives, or who refuse to  cuddle their wives or show them
emotional intimacy.   I would do none of those things, yet a man with a
normal penis will have them and not me.

Other guys ridicule me.  I went for a physical exam and had a hernia
exam.  The doctor finished with the exam and told me the diagnosis:
"There's nothing there, nothing there at all."   The tone in his voice
left no doubt as to the sarcastic double entendre.

Whenever I've heard women talk or write about the issue of whether penis
size matters, most say that it does.  Oh, wait, I do remember one woman
who said it didn't matter---her husband's 7 inches were enough for her
small, petite frame.  I would kill for 7 inches, yet if a petite woman
wants 7 inches, what chance do I have?  What future do I have except to
masturbate and fall asleep holding a pillow and imagining it is a woman
who loves me?

Peyronie's is largely incurable and it may as well be a death sentence.

A:   Everybody has to play with the hand they are dealt.  Some are blind, some are deaf, and some have small penises.

If you embrace the myth that the only real sex is penile-vaginal intercourse, then the size of your penis is absolutely paramount.  If, however, you and your partner embrace the idea that there is a wide variety of behavior which is intensely sexual, you have the possibility of a happy life, a happy partner, and orgasms for each of you, however achieved.

I remember vividly a couple who came into my office 10 years ago.  She was overweight, and he was as skinny as a rail.  He had had erection dysfunction for four years, and she appeared very angry.  After about twenty minutes into the psychotherapy session, when she continued to look very angry, I asked what she was thinking.  Stabbing her index finger toward my chest from across the room, she said that he had always been a "wham bam, thank you ma'am" lover, and for the past four years, because he was not getting erections, he had learned to use his lips, his tongue, his fingers, his elbow, and his wrist bone to bring her to glorious orgasms.  She went on to say "and Doctor, if you change a God damn thing I'll cut your balls off".

You need to make it so that your world does not revolve around your penis.  I know this is in the category of "that's easy for you to say", but if it is penile thrusting that your partner wants, you can always get a dildo harness and a very realistic silicone dildo (and you won't have to worry about losing erections, either).

I sincerely hope that if you continue to feel depressed, that you will consult someone in your area.

If you become blind, learn Braille.  If you go deaf, learn sign language.  If you have a disease of the penis, learn to compensate.  But please don't abandon all sexual pleasure or the pleasure of life just because you have a handicap.


5/14/99 Q:  Hi, how are you?
I'm writing to you today with quite an important matter in my
mind... sure appears you're able to do with Q&A's about
sexual material, so hope you're able to deal with my question...!

...Both my girlfriend and I are 20 years old, and we've been seeing
each other for over a year, and we plan to be together for the rest
of our lives.  As of yet, we have never had sexual intercourse.
oh, we've slept together many times, and done "just about everything
else" (...oral), however we're still "virgins".
   I myself, have been ready for quite some time, however she's
the type of girl who's liked to be really safe, and at a younger
age, thought she'd save herself for marriage.  But now, we've
talked about it, and we're not going to wait that long.  I know
it's just been her fear of having an un-wanted pregnancy, and I
totally share that fear.  However I've educated myself recently of
all the precautions that can be taken, and shared this information
with her, and know she feels quite a bit more secure than before.

And now, since we're both aware our love and relationship is
growing stronger and stronger every day, we feel we're both quite
close to finally 'breaking the barrier'.   However even with all
the information I've gathered on contraception and "what-times-
of-the-month-are-best", obviously since I've never done it before,
I'm at a total loss of what to expect.
There are many fables and tales out there of what it's like to do
it your first time, especially with another virgin.  And I can
honestly say I don't much care for them...  ...that the man reaches
orgasm almost immediately after going in, if not just as he's about
to...!  And the lady, goes through extreme pain from her hymen
being broken (if it is actually broken the first time!), and can't
reach orgasm because of that...  no real enjoyment for her.

I really want our first time to be a wonderful memorable one, a
nice long night we'll cherish forever...  not a time that goes by
quickly and painfully.  I know each and every person is different
too, and even though I'm really excited for that first time, I'm
also quite scared!
I watch the SundayNightSexShow with Sue Johanson when I can, and
have picked up a great deal of information from her!  (I'm sure
you must've seen the show once or twice!)   And I'm aware that
a couple sharing orgasm at the same time, is near impossible.
And I know it's not uncommon for men to orgasm quickly after
starting sex...  ...however Sue has really never talked about
what two first-timers should really expect with one another,
physically, mentally, and sexually...!
  I guess that's the bottom-line of what I'm asking...  really
what should we expect to happen!?   Or is this the type of
thing, that we should do totally by ourselves,
...find out our own way...?

Any advice you could give me I'd really appreciate, and if you're
not able to, could you please refer an e-mail address to someone
specialized for giving this type of advice...  another sex
counsellor, I guess who also deals with relationship-counselling,
or similiar.  ha, I really never tried to ask for help before,
since, well, never done it before!

I know it'd be quite tough, if not impossible, for you to tell
me exactly what will happen that first time.  But what I hope you
can help me out with is information you can give me, or point me
in the right direction to find out the info for myself that I'd
like to know.

thanks for any help you can give.  I'm just trying to learn what
I can, so I don't jump blindly into a pool with no water in it...


A:   I could write a book on this but this must be brief.

If she is using tampons or masturbates with a dildo or fingers in her, she won't have much of a hymen (thus no bleeding and pain when a penis is inserted).

I suggest that instead of planning for the great deflowering ceremony that you  think of becoming sexual with each other as a process of 10 to 20 progressive steps.

DO NOT rely on the rhythm method.  Always use a condom unless she is on the birth control pill.

Each event get closer and closer to penile penetration -- make it OK to ejaculate outside her the first several times, and then 1/2 inch, one inch, etc., in, during each successive event.  That way you will de-condition from the performance anxiety of "doing it".

You both need to be playful, open, accepting of what happens, and process-oriented (we're making progress and getting closer and closer)  rather than goal-oriented (are we having fun/intercourse yet?).  EXPECT to make "mistakes" like coming too fast.  Laugh about it.

And please tell me what happens.


5/13/99 Q:  HI DOCTOR,


                                              THANK YOU

A:  Dear Confused,

Oh boy.  This is a tough one.  Many teenagers develop a crush on a friend of the same gender.  For guys, societally-induced homophobia often blocks them from acting on those affectionate feelings.  For young women, however, society says that's okay for them to hug each other, hold hands in public, and kiss each other on the cheek.  In American society, mothers are supposed to be soft, tender, consoling, nurturing, and emotional.  Consequently, both males and females are pre-programmed to have a "comfort zone" around females.

If you have escaped internalizing messages such as "sex is sin", and "homosexuality is sick", you may be able to act comfortably in a sexual matter with either gender.  Because I have had too many patients who were relatively miserable until they discovered homosexual affection in mid-life, I encourage people who can handle it (many cannot) to experiment with what it feels like for them to have some sexual contact with their own sex.

If your best friend is homophobic, and you make a clear overture to be sexual with her, there is a good chance that she will terminate any contact with you.  Many women who are bi-curious (curious about bisexuality) experiment with a friend, find it "sort of fun", then discover that sex with guys is more fun.

I strongly urge you to make sure that you are very clear about what you are going to do, and how you think you're going to feel afterward.  If you take on the role of a research scientist conducting an experiment, you will be more accepting of your experience.  If you think that you might label yourself in some negative way, I suggest that you become more comfortable before experimenting.

I cannot make the decision for you.  Hopefully I have given you some things to think about as you come to your decision.

If you appreciate this information, please let me know your reaction to it, what you do regarding this matter, and how it turned out.  Other readers are cordially invited to also comment on similar experiences.

5/4/99 Q:  Dr. Fitz,

My first question has to do with having anal sex. When a man wants to have
anal sex with a woman, is a lubricated condom enough lubrication? Or should
something like K-Y Jelly be used also?

My second question has to do with stimulating a man's "G" spot. When a man
is having sex with a woman, what is the best way to stimulate the male's "G"
spot? I've heard that one way is to have the girl stick her finger(s) in his
anus. What other advice can you give? And how much better is this supposed
to be than traditional straight sex?

Any information given would be very much appreciated.

A:  A lubricated condom has just enough slipperiness to make initial vaginal penetration.  After that, a woman's natural vaginal lubrication is supposed take over and control friction.  Because the rectum has no natural lubrication, copious (lots and lots of) additional lubrication is necessary.  When it comes to ass play, it is almost impossible to have too much lubrication.

K-Y jelly is very slippery, but it evaporates relatively rapidly.  When that happens, sprinkle some water on it.  Superior products for sex that lasts more than a few minutes include K-Y liquid and Astroglide.

What has been called a man's "G-spot" is really his prostate gland.  It looks like a doughnut and surrounds the internal part of the penis.  It is easily reached by inserting a finger in the rectum and pushing it gently toward the pubic bone.  If you insert your finger too far, you will push on the bladder encouraging a sense of urinary urgency.  Consequently, the male recipient is encouraged to urinate prior to prostate palpation (massage, manipulation, etc.).

Stimulating the prostate during penile-vaginal intercourse requires that you be a contortionist.  The most direct position is with a woman lying flat on her back, with her legs spread.  Her lover lies flat on top of her, with his head between her feet and his feet on either side of her shoulders.  She rotates your pelvis up as far as possible, and he penetrates her vaginally with his erect penis.  While he is then lifting up-and-down to create penile-vaginal thrusting, she has easy access to his rectum with her finger.  Her well lubricated finger would be inserted straight in, pad down, pushing toward his pubic bone with a pulsing action.

How much better is this than traditional straight sex?  In a sense, this is like asking how much better is clitoral stimulation than nipple stimulation.  Some man find prostate stimulation incredibly exciting, while for others it either does nothing for them, or it creates substantial homophobic anxiety.  I  remind this latter group of men that homosexuality is a matter of the gender of the participants, not of the activity.

Those interested in this topic might wish to check out the videotape "Bend Over, Boyfriend", available from Good Vibrations at 1-800-289-8423 (USA and Canada).  The videotape illustrates in precise detail how to strap on a dildo and engage in anal intercourse.

5/4/99  Q:  Dear Doc,

Me and my husband recently decided to try a three way
with another woman.  That has always been a long time
fantasy of his and I am very bi-curious.  When the
events started happening, he was unable to achieve an
erection.  He did have an orgasm, because we
stimulated him orally in the end, he just could not
obtain an erection.  We both enjoyed ourselves and
want it to happen again, but he is afraid that he will
be riddled with the same fate again.  We discussed
what went wrong and he thinks that he was overly
tired,  see, he works third shift an stays a wake all
day Friday and this happened on a Friday night after
he had been awake for about 26 hours.  I believe that
he was a little bit nervous.  We have discussed these
fantasies in bed while we masterbate with each other
and really want them to happen, except wish for them
to go a little further the next time.  Is there any
thing that we can do to prepare him to be "up" for the

Please help, N

A:  Dear N,

This is performance anxiety compounded by exhaustion.  I suggest that you make sure that all three of you have had enough sleep, and that you approach  the events with playfulness and a laid back attitude about what activities will happen.

This could also be complicated by his unconscious desire  not to appear to be sexually excited by the other woman.  If he fears it will insult you, erection dysfunction is a blunt way of saying that she is not sexually desirable.

Please let me know what happens.


5/4/99 Q:
Dear SexDoc,

    I searched your webpage and could not find the answer to this
specific question however I would like to extend an apology now if I
have errored.  I have been dating this wonderful woman for about five
months, and everything is great about our relationship.  You need a
little background here, I am 21 years old and left a three year
relationship that was sexual during the last half about a year ago.  My
current girlfriend is 19 and to my shock, considering how beautiful she
is, had never been in a relationship before, I was her first kiss.
About two months ago she started begging me to have sex with her while
we would be in in the midst of other sexual acts.  Not wanting her to
regret the situation later I always refused until we had talked about it
while our hormones weren't running wild.  We have both talked about it
and and now have agreed we both want to, however she is worried about
the pain.  So much so that everytime we start, and a little pain starts,
she asks me to back off, which I have.   However it is starting to
bother her (and myself) that we still have not, but at the same time I
do not want to make her feel any worse than she does already.  I quess
my question is, do you have any advise that can make the loss of
virgintiy as painless as possible.  She wants me to simply keep going
when she starts to feel pain and ignore her when she asks me to stop.
However I love her greatly and the idea of causing her pain sickens me.
Is there anything I can do to make it painless or at least something to
minimize the pain enough to get through the first time.

A:  Dear R,

The first step is diagnosis.  if she is experiencing pain because your erect penis is pushing on an almost intact hymen, she can consult a gynecologist for help in surgically removing it.

But if her pain comes from unconsciously clenching her pelvic muscles, this is called vaginismus.  There are specific behavioral protocols for dealing with it, but they are administered and monitored by a sex therapist.  It would border on professional recklessness to encourage you to try to use any self-help strategy.

Every time it is experienced, it is like learning how to ride a bicycle the wrong way.  The more she repeats the clenching experience, the more entrenched it becomes in her brain  and the more difficult it is to back out of the blind alley.

Some women accept tampons and fingers easily into their vagina, but if they had powerful childhood messages regarding the evil of pregnancy, they unconsciously block penile penetration.

I suggest that you consult with a sex therapist local to you.


5/3/99 Q:  Dear Dr.,

My name is Glendissa I am 34 yrs old and my boyfriend is 28.  We have
been together for about 21/2 yrs now and living together for the past
6 months.  I thought we had an open and great relationship, but
I discovered the other night that he was masturbating.  And I just
can not understand why that same morning we had great sex so
I thought we had.  And then he comes home pretty late at night, but
even if I'm sleeping I always wake up to be with him.  I am so hurt because
of this, that I have no idea of what to do now, and how to handle it.  I feel
and he doesn't understand why.  He says it didn't mean anything thing and he
just did it because.  If he really wanted please he could of come in to be
with me.  I would
of never refused him.  Can you please give me some advice???

Thank you very much and waiting for your answer

A:  It's a different sexual experience that does not breach your mutual agreement of monogamy.  Sometimes it's enjoyable to have intercourse, but variety is the spice of life, and while hand jobs and blow jobs are nice, so is the experience of being responsible solely for ones self -- no need to make sure that your partner is excited enough for penetration, no condom, no worry about mess if you're having your period, etc.

If you are sufficiently sexually satisfied, cool your concern over his activity, so long as it isn't a breach of your contract!  It's a religious hangover to condemn masturbation. And, it's not an insult or criticism of you!

Does this help?


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